Angel Standing By
by gorillazgal86
Summary: KaworuShinji. After 10 years of imprisonment, Kaworu defies God and chooses to live life as a human. He must learn to live on his own and rewin Shinji, whose memory of Kaworu has been erased as a trade for Kaworu's human life. Yaoi, slight au. Updated
1. Angel Standing By

Author's Note: Well, I've finally set myself out to write an Eva fic. Well, let's see, spoilers! If you haven't seen all of Evangelion (particularly episode 24) then do not read this! Warnings: This is shounen-ai/yaoi . . . in other words, two boys loving each other. If you don't like this, kindly don't read. This will probably get a bit AU as it progresses, just so there's fair warning. Enjoy and please review!  
  
  
  
  
Shinji let the name slip off his tongue, the result of such were the tears that began to sting painfully in the boy's sapphire eyes. Shinji locked himself in his room, his sdat playing Beethoven's Ode to Joy on repeat. Kaworu had said that a song was good, but this one seemed to remind Shinji of the pain in his heart, the pain he couldn't escape.  
  
The scene kept replaying through Shinji's mind. Kaworu made his final request, to be destroyed to save man kind. The slender boy held in the huge hand of Unit One, Shinji watching him. Shinji held him for an everlasting moment. Shinji was breaking up inside, tears running silently down his face as he faced the greatest battle of his young life; the decision on whether or not to fulfill Kaworu's one last wish.   
  
The readiness of Kaworu to become Shinji's friend had stunned the younger boy. No one had immediately liked him. But Kaworu opened his heart and offered his hand so willing and graciously that it simply stole Shinji's heart. Three words he had never heard from any other human being were finally heard from a boy that had only known him an hour. They came without regret and with truth.   
  
I'm saying, I love you, Kaworu had told him, his scarlet eyes reflecting the depth of his feelings.   
  
Shinji had been stunned beyond words. All he could do was stare at the other boy, unable to express the gratitude and love that flowed through his body. Kaworu leaned forward and placed a light kiss on Shinji's cheek, then stood to get dressed.  
  
Shinji sat for a moment more, his brain still trying to work out the rush of adoration he felt for Kaworu. Why did Kaworu love him, there was nothing to love. Shinji was a whiny coward who's own father didn't care one lick about him. Kaworu became amazing in Shinji's eyes.   
  
Even as he sat in his regret, Shinji still marveled, perhaps now even more, that Kaworu had transcended gender and defied heaven to love Shinji.   
  
At the time, Shinij was beyond content with having just heard I love you from another person, but Kaworu intended to show Shinji what love could be. It wasn't a destructive emotion, but one that was filled with pleasure and happiness. When stayed the night at Kaworu's he felt compelled to share his life story to his new friend, who was still very much a stranger.  
  
The gray haired boy was an attentive listener. He never once interrupted or try to offer advice. Kaworu lay quietly, listening intently. Shinji let his heart go and addressed issues he had hidden from so many others. Once he was finished, Kaworu leaned up on his elbow to look down at Shinji who was laying on the floor.  
  
I think I may have been born to meet you, Shinji Ikari, Kaworu said with a warm smile. Shinji blushed and Kaworu lowered himself onto Shinji's futon. For the second time that night, Shinji was kissed, except this time it was more intimate, Kaworu's mouth fully on Shinji's. Kaworu's kiss felt like coming home, that unexplainable feeling of complete peace and comfort. Shinji felt his lungs begging for air and gently pulled away. Love and passion burned behind the red eyes, and sapphire globes reflected it. Kaworu's fingers worked their way through Shinji's brown hair, pushing back the short bangs that not quite hung in blue eyes.   
  
Kaworu leaned closer to Shinji, his lips resting on the other boy's neck. was all he said and began slowly sucking on the sensitive spot where neck met shoulder. Shinji let his head fall back at Kaworu's ministrations.   
  
Kaworu, love you, was all Shinji could say as his mind fogged with pleasure and his voice became moans.   
  
Kaworu was a wonderfully skilled lover, and Shinji only wished he could keep up. But Kaworu was slow with him, preparing the smaller boy carefully then finally entering him, completing and consummating their eternal bond.   
  
Stay with me always. Don't leave me, Shinji gripped onto Kaworu's pale naked body, both boys spent. Kaworu let his slender fingers trace the outlines of Shinji's face, studying each curve, each small change in plane.  
  
He was silent for a minute. Shinji watched him and searched his eyes. Shinji looked concerned when Kaworu didn't answer. Kaworu smiled and planted a kiss on Shinji.  
  
I'll be with you always, Kaworu said and smiled. Shinji tightened his grip on the other boy, fearing beyond death losing the one person that loved him. Kaworu caressed the hair on the back of Shinji's head, smiling sadly. He knew what the day brought, but he refused to dwell on it. This moment was his and Shinji's and he refused to let anything come to ruin that.  
  
Shinji woke up the next morning, Kaworu sleeping in his tight embrace. Shinji smiled. He expected Kaworu to leave him sometime in the night, but there he was, sleeping fitfully in Shinji's small arms. A smile came across Shinji's face. He placed a small kiss on the other boy's porcelain cheek and was content to watch Kaworu slowly wake up.  
  
You stayed with me, Shinji said, smiling enthusiastically.  
  
Kaworu felt his heart fall. He pushed the feeling aside and offered Shinji a sleepy smirk. He pulled himself off Shinji's futon and stretched like a cat, feeling Shinji's approving eyes on his still nude form. Kaworu ruffled the hair on Shinji's head and pulled on his pajama pants.  
  
Shinji watched for a moment then tugged on his own pants and followed Kaworu into the other boy's small kitchen.  
  
I'm afraid I haven't got breakfast for you, Kaworu said and handed Shinji a glass of water.  
  
Well, you just moved in. It's all right. I'm just happy to be with you, Shinji couldn't stop smiling.   
  
You make me very happy, Shijni-kun, Kaworu sipped at his water. He then glanced at the clock on the wall. I believe I have an activation test today. I should get ready to go. You can stay here as long as you'd like, though, Kaworu offered and stood to get dressed.  
  
Oh. Thanks, but I think I'm going to go on a walk, Shinji said, glanced at the warm sun that shone outside.   
  
Both boys got dressed and went their separate ways. Kaworu had promised Shinji that they would see each other later that day and Shinji, none the wiser, eagerly awaited their rendezvous.  
  
But their next meeting was not to be the wonderful event the first one had been. The next time Shinji saw Kaworu, he knew that Kaworu was an angel, his enemy. Shinji had performed as he was expected, defeating the enemy. But now his heart felt cold, his body numb, his soul empty. Kaworu, though Shinji had only known him a short time, was everything to the young boy. The reason he wanted to continue. Kaworu was the good in people, but even that had been disproved.  
  
Shinji's eyes wandered towards the heavens.  
  
Why did you have to die? You were much better than I am. Why did you love me, Kaworu? Shinji asked to the stars. He then rolled over and buried his face in his pillow, no longer wanting to think or feel, not caring if the world crumbled down on him.


	2. Broken

White feathered wings wrapped around a thin alabaster body. Tabris sat alone, finding consolation in his isolation.   
  
He had failed God. He had not returned to Adam and sacrificed his own destiny because of a weak and cowardly human boy.  
  
Tabris recalled the gentle disparity in Shinji's touch. The boy so badly needed love and Tabris had more than happily provided him with it. The albino angel marveled at how easily they had become friends and at a simple proclamation of love, it had become much more. A warmth filled Tabris's ethereal body as he retraced every precious moment with the young Eva pilot, Shinji Ikari.  
  
The comforting warmth was sharply killed by the recollection of his betrayal. Shinji's anguished cries echoed harshly in the angel's heart. He knew when he met Shinji that the betrayal was immanent. Yet he allowed Shinji to become close to him, only to shatter the boy's heart.   
  
Tabris's wings fluttered as his gut wrenched, his brain recalling their last moments together. A warm, unfamiliar wetness running down his cheek broke Tabris's thoughts. Salty tears fell freely from scarlet eyes.  
  
  
I'll never be able to apologize to him, Tabris thought to himself. All I can do is watch him. Watch him grow into a man, fall in love again, overcome the hurdles that would face him, Tabris found this realization to be more painful that he had possibly imagined.  
  
Tabris had failed his heavenly Father and was thus bound to heaven. He could not return to Earth as Kaworu Nagisa, the boy that Shinji had loved. He was stuck as the angel of Free Will, Tabris. It was his damned free will that had landed him in this mess.  
  
He at least had the ability to watch Shinji from the heavens, this was the one consolation he had. He watched as Shinji slept, the boy tossing and turning restlessly. He let out a soothing sigh and watched as Shinji stilled, slipping into a deep sleep. Though he couldn't visit Shinji in a spiritual form, there wasn't any rule against communicating through dreams or as a whisper in the wind.  
  
I'll promise I'll come back to you, Shinji. Please wait for me, Tabris whispered from heaven, hoping Shinji's subconscious heard the message.  
  
Tabris had his mind made up. Somehow he would leave heaven and rejoin Shinji on an Earth without Angels or Evas. Not God himself would stop him.  
  
Tabris stood up and pulled himself away from the image of the sleeping boy. He laughed at his own thoughts. How on earth would be be able to defy the all-knowing and all-powerful. Failing Him was one thing, going against His will was an entirely different matter. To think such thoughts was foolery.   
  
He looked around the barren landscape. So this was true isolation. Tabris didn't have a single soul to talk to and he suddenly felt a strong sense of empathy towards Shinji. When they had met, Shinji had been completely alone, in this same isolation. Tabris smirked. God certainly did work in mysterious ways. Oh the irony of having to endure the heartache of the one he betrayed. Although Shinji would have time to heal his wounds. He would meet others and there would be a time were Kaworu Nagisa would be nothing but a faded memory from a dark childhood.  
  
Despite the possibility of Shinji moving on and the brief love they shared forgotten, Tabris wished the very best. The boy had been through so much. Tabris prayed that Shinji would be allowed to live a peaceful, non eventful life in his adulthood; he had earned that much. Tabris looked around once again, the gray, lonely atmosphere seemed not be fitting of heaven. He sighed and wrapped his large, snow white wings around him, wishing to hide himself, to escape from the overbearing loneliness that began to consume him.  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
Alright, that took some time. This has been remarkably hard for me to write, so please give me some constructive criticism, I could really use it. I've never written in this kind of style and how it flows and sounds worries me, so if it sucks, please let me know. If it's not obvious already, I'm looking for some serious help. If anyone happens to be interested in beta-ing this fic, please email me at moof86@daviskisner.com and we can talk. But please, only email me if you're really serious about beta-ing. Sorry the chapter's short, but hopefully it was somewhat enjoyable. I'm still trying to push pass setup, so sorry for that.  



	3. Learning To Live Again

Laying motionless on his bed, staring at the blank ceiling, Shinji kept replaying the scene in his mind over and over. He brought his hand up to his face, flexing his fingers.  
  
I killed him, Shinji murmured. Through my Eva, I killed him.  
  
Shinji continued to examine his hand. Through his connections with his Eva, he had felt the crunch of Kaworu's breaking bones and the very hand in front of his eyes was the hand that had snuffed out the other's life.  
  
But he was an angel. I've had to kill the other angels. It was my job, he was my enemy, Shinji whispered to himself, trying to find justification of his actions.  
  
But the feeling of crushing Kaworu danced like a phantom on his hand. Kaworu had been as human as Shinji: his bones broke, human blood stained the hand of his Eva and Kaworu had felt love. Shinji had killed a human, his friend. The one that had loved him.  
  
No! He betrayed me and lied to me! If he lied about being an angel, who's to say he didn't lie about loving me too! Shinji broke into sobs at this heart breaking thought.  
  
Had everything Kaworu done been a lie? Shinji remembered the sweet kisses, the warm embraces, and the soft, loving words whispered in his ear. They all had been lies. Shinji's blood ran cold and sobs assaulted him.  
  
Did I ever claim to be an angel? Kaworu's voice whispered in the back of Shinji's mind.  
  
Shinji froze as he thought about this. Kaworu had betrayed him, but he had never told Shinji a single lie. Shinji didn't know Kaworu was an angel and Kaworu had never brought it up. During their short time together, that hadn't mattered. Shinji suddenly felt a warm realization wash over him, stifling his cries and quelling his fears. Shinji began to understand the reasons behind Kaworu's actions. Kaworu was destined to be an angel, no different than how Shinji was meant to be an Eva pilot. Like Shinji, Kaworu had also been forced to follow his father's will.  
  
Shinji sat up slowly, thoughts rushing through his head. Kaworu knew he had a short amount of time and had decided to spend it loving Shinji. Kaworu was just a boy and had thus wanted to enjoy what little time he could. Shinji felt fresh tears begin to streak down his face, now just from the fact that he would never see Kaworu again.   
  
Shinji was faced with two choices after Kaworu's death. He could either give up living himself and accept the idea that life was going to continuously bean him into submission. Or he could continue living, fighting day to day to survive and hoping that happiness would once again find him.  
  
The idea of dying and being with Kaworu was a frightening possibility for Shinji. He once again held up his hands, this time examining his wrists. It would be so simple, if the cuts went deep enough, then it would be over. All of this would end and he would be with Kaworu for eternity. Kaworu had so easily given his life, certainly he wouldn't disapprove of Shinji doing the same.   
  
But Kaworu hadn't died for his own benefit. Kaworu died for Shinji and for humanity. Kaworu found Shinji's life worth his own. Shinji wasn't willing to give up Kaworu's last gift to him.  
  
Shinji was then left with the option of living. The world seemed to continue on a regular basis, now that the angels had all been defeated. People were moving back in to Tokyo-3, once they learned it was no longer a threat. With all the new people, Shinji had the chance to start over. He could make new friends, try to live on. If he couldn't convince himself to do it for him, then he would do it for Kaworu.   
  
He died for me, Shinji said, a lighter tone leaking into his voice. He died for me and I will make sure his death wasn't in vain.  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Another really short chapter, I know. But I'm still trying to kick my own butt into writing more for this. I'll probably get more prolific writing this when the story really gets going. Let me know what you thought of this chapter! Reviews are always appreciated. Oh, and because I haven't mentioned it yet: I don't own Eva and never will. This is a work of fan fiction and is not made for profit, just for my enjoyment and that of others! 


	4. Every Day

Shinji sat on the roof of his apartment building, staring out into the setting sun. I didn't glow orange, but rather cast a bright, ethereal glow over the storm darkened sky behind him. A light breeze blew through his short brown hair. It was times like these he felt the heartache buried deep within him. Over the past 10 years, he had learned to live with the pain of killing the one who loved him, when he was alone, it all rushed back to him and throbbed dully in his chest.   
  
Maybe he felt this way because it seemed heaven was looking down on him and with the soft wind, Shinji could swear he felt Kaworu's gentle embrace or catch a hint of his smell. Shinji laughed lightly as the sky began to darken completely with night. How foolish it was to obsess over a single person for so long a time.   
  
With that thought, he was brought back into the present and let the nostalgia leave him.   
  
Shinji's life had changed considerably since he was an Eva pilot. He now lived with another young man his age that had evacuated Tokyo-3 shortly before the arrival of the thrid angel. They were complete opposites, but Shinji needed that contrast. It was a small reminder of what it had been like to live with Misato and Asuka.  
  
Shinji climbed down and slipped in through the window in his bedroom. He kicked his shoes off and tossed his jacket on his bed. Shinji walked out of the room and found his roommate stretched comfortably across the couch, a video game controller in his hand. His roommate looked up with a grin and wove at Shinji.  
  
Bein' the tragic hero again, up on the roof? The other man asked. Shinji laughed lightly, if only he really knew.  
  
Knock it off, Ryozo. There was a cool sunset and I wanted to watch it, Shinji said and disappeared into their small kitchen. Ryozo watched him and then leaned back against the couch and continued his game.  
  
Shinji had always been a bit of an odd one. He put up a happy face, but there were times that Ryozo was sure that there was something deeper hiding behind those blue eyes. They had been friends since university and Shinji had divulged very little about his past. Ryozo knew that he had no family and no friends, but Shinji always tried to smile. Ryozo shook the thoughts away and concentrated on his game.  
  
Shinji pulled a few things out of the cabinet and set forth to making himself a small dinner. Have you eaten yet? Shinji called out towards the living room.  
  
Yeah, but I'm hungry if you want to make me something too, Ryozo replied from the couch.   
  
Shinji pulled down extra food and shook his head. Despite Ryozo's slender build, the boy would more than likely eat them out of house and home. You really need to stop eating every meal twice, Shinji reprimanded. Ryozo just shrugged, he heard the same thing every day.  
  
Shinji thoughts wandered back towards Kaworu again. It had been a while since he had seriously thought about Kaworu. He let out a sad sigh as he skimmed through a recipe book. He began to wonder what Kaworu would be like now. Would he be handsome? Would he still be as friendly and open as he had been? Shinji's mind wandered and only the sound of water spilling onto the stove brought him back into the real world.  
  
You trying to burn down our apartment? Ryozo was now standing in the doorway to the kitchen, causing Shinji to jump.  
  
Don't just pop up like that! You scared the crap out of me! Shinji said, trying to gain control of his wildly fluttering heart.  
  
You're on another planet tonight! Ryozo scolded Shinji.   
  
I'm sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind and I'm feeling a little scatterbrained, Shinji explained as he watched his roommate turn down the heat on the stove and add the noodles to the boiling water.  
  
Do you wanna talk about it? Ryozo asked, after getting dinner under control.  
  
It's complicated and it's probably classified information, Shinji told him and was glad that Ryozo had decided to take over making them dinner, he just couldn't concentrate.  
  
Ryozo shrugged. Whatever man. But you let me know, if you need to talk, I'm here for ya, Ryozo said with a friendly smile and patted Shinji on the shoulder.  
  
Shinji nodded and ran a hand through his hair. I know you are.  
  
***  
  
Blue eyes stared at a darkened ceiling. He wanted to sleep, he knew he needed to sleep, but found himself fixated on the ceiling above his head.   
  
Are you up there Kaworu, looking over me, like I'm told angels do? Do you miss me? I do miss you. I hadn't really realized how much I missed you until today, Shinji whispered to the ceiling, hoping that Kaworu would respond, but the room remained silent save for his steady breathing. Shinji sighed and felt his eyelids grow heavy and he drifted into a light sleep.  
  
He woke up the next morning with Ryozo standing above him, shaking him. You've slept in, man! Wake up, you're gonna be late for work!  
  
Shinji shot out of bed and ran around frantically trying to get ready, Ryozo following him, handing him clothes, shoes and bits of breakfast.   
  
Why didn't you wake me up earlier?! Shinji shot Ryozo an angry look.   
  
It's not my frickin' job to be your alarm! Ryozo shot back as he tossed Shinji his sneakers.  
  
Shinji just grumbled and quickly shoved toast down his throat and ran out the door, giving Ryozo a quick wave.   
  
I'll be home for dinner! It's your turn to cook! Shinji said as he ran out the door.  
  
His mind was focused sheerly on getting to work and he simply didn't care about who he bumped or was rude to. Shinji ran like mad and was finally able to stumble through the door of the bar/restaurant where he worked. He walked quickly to the break room and quickly clocked in, tied his apron around his waist and assumed his position behind the bar. His boss was standing next to him, glaring at him. Once he had a chance, his boss leaned over and whispered in his ear.  
Ikari, why the hell are you late?   
  
I'm sorry, I slept in later than I had meant to, Shinji replied, his head bowed.   
  
His boss tsked lightly, but knew what a hard worker Ikari was, something like this was rare.  
  
Just don't let it happen again.  
  
Yes, sir, Shinji said, mindlessly cleaning a glass.  
  
He lost himself in his thoughts for the next couple hours. Being a bartender on a dayshift basically meant he was the waiters' drink bitch. He dutifully served up sodas and waters and the occasional beer. As nobody was sitting at the bar, he was able to keep to himself. He watched as customers came in and sat down. He thought about how different each person's life was. Everybody spoke of people he had never heard of and through tidbits of conversation, he was part of their daily dramas for a fraction of a second.   
  
Before he knew it, he was clocking out and heading towards his apartment. Shinji watched couples that walked hand in hand down the street and found himself intensely jealous of them. He had gone on a few blind dates in his time, but never had a steady girlfriend and until now, he hadn't even considered himself interested in the idea.  
  
Shinji wished for the feeling of someone else's hand in his, the warm feeling of touch. There had a been a time in his life when he had shunned any kind of human contact, but it was as if he was suddenly wishing to make up for lost time. Shinji wanted to get lost in the arms of someone he loved, stare deeply in their eyes, run his fingers through their hair. All those sensations he had felt one time in his life, he wanted them back, more viciously than he ever had.   
  
He found himself lonely and depressed when he unlocked the door to his apartment, which turned out to be empty. He found a plate of food sitting on the counter, with a note from Ryozo.  
  
Hey Shinji! Going out on a date tonight. Couldn't reach you at work, I'll see you either late tonight or tomorrow morning. Here's some food for you. Later man! Shinji read the note to himself and put the plate into the microwave.  
  
The feelings of jealousy just increased. Ryozo should be at his home, not running out with some girl. He was Shinji's roommate and friend and it was his job to make Shinji feel better at times like there. Shinji ate quickly and put the plate in the dishwasher. He watched tv for about an hour, then headed into the bathroom to take a bath.  
  
Shinji watched thoughtfully as the hot water filled up the tub and he stripped off his clothes. He slid into the warm water with a deep sigh. The more he thought about it, the more he realized, he wasn't happy with his life. Shinji was fed up with the routine, every day was the exact same, nothing new or exciting ever happened.  
  
Shinji felt stir crazy and bored with his life. He was lonely and unloved. Shinji took a deep breath and pulled his head under the water. He stared up at the ceiling through the water, looking at the distorted light and color. He pulled up, sputtering and wiping the water from his eyes.  
  
Kaworu, why have things turned out this way? Shinji asked with a sigh and continued his evening in the normal fashion.


	5. Nothing Important

Tabris paced around his small prison area. He had been locked here for 10 long years, able to do nothing more than watch Shinji from afar. He had watched the boy grow from an awkward, uneasy adolescent to a quiet, mild-mannered man. Shinji had become so handsome, his lanky limbs had grown gracefully and his face had filled out, mimicking his father's slightly, but still retained his mother's softer looks. With each passing day, Kaworu longed to be with him. Tabris's heart ached in his chest, he was lonely and he so badly wanted to be with Shinji again.  
  
After all this time, the ache only deepened; Tabris had forgotten what it was to live without constant heart ache. Now he was like a trapped animal, bound by God's will, never to leave, forced to watch for eternity. He felt his mind burning at the very idea of never touching Shinji again, the idea that he hadn't been with the single soul he was meant to love for ten years. Shinji seemed to have made out well enough, but there were times when Shinji would stare at the sky, small tears streaming down his face and his lips would form Tabris's Lillum name. Each time that Shinji said his name, Kaworu wanted to go to him, hold him, run his fingers through that soft brown hair and stare endlessly into those soul revealing blue eyes.  
  
Tabris was surprised that Shinji still thought about him all this time. It made his heart sing and sting at the same time. He didn't want Shinji to feel the same spirit-crushing emotion that Tabris dealt with everyday. But Shinji still thought of him. That kept a small flame of hope glowing inside Tabris. This small flame kept him from losing his mind and giving up entirely.   
  
But that didn't take away the fact that Tabris was trapped. He had stared at the same cold walls for ten years. He hadn't seen real light in ten years. Every passing day wore on him deeper and deeper until the walls began to close in and he simply couldn't take anymore. The day he saw Shinji on his rooftop, thinking just about him, Tabris lost all sense of control. Tabris stopped his constant pacing and fell to his knees, screaming. His thoughts too much to bear. He pounded the floor with balled fists and his wings beat furiously around him.   
  
Let me go!!! I'm the Angel of Free Will! That free will is what made me chose Shinji Ikari over You! Do You hear that! I chose a weak Lillum boy over the Almighty. And I chose him again. Free me! I want to be with him! Tabris screamed to God, he ragged harsh cries demanding attention.  
  
I chose him! I chose him! Let me out of here! Tabris stood up and began pounding on the walls, wishing they would give way.   
  
He sank to the ground, utterly defeated. Please let me go. I would trade immortality for him. I can't stand it here. I love him, he sobbed into his hands, wet tears dampening his pale porcelain cheeks.  
  
A soft warm feeling washed over him. Tabris inhaled deeply as the feeling consumed his body. He watched in shock and awe as his wings slowly turned from white to gray to black. The black feathers began to drop and covered the ground around his feet. Tabris stood naked, vulnerable as the walls around him lifted and a bright, white light engulfed him. Tabris shielded his eyes and when the light cleared, he found himself laying naked in a barren apartment room.  
  
He blinked, staring at what was around him. The room was shoddy and old. The air around him was cold and he pulled his knees up to his chest, reaching the best he could for a blanket. He stood on shaky legs and pushed aside blinds and stared out a window. The sun shone brightly on his face through the window, warming his face. Baby blue sky's were dotted with pure white clouds. Beneath him, people swarmed like insects, rushing through their busy days. Tabris sank to the ground, unable to think or even blink.  
  
He was back on Earth. God had taken away all of his angelic powers, making him now Kaworu, nothing more than a mortal man. He was human, truly and purely human for the first time in his life. He had been given a second chance and this time there was no assignment, no immanent destruction of humanity.   
  
Kaworu took a deep, lung filling breath and ran to a mirror. He had aged to reflect his Lillum age. He stared in wonder at his reflection, his body had filled out and he had become quite tall. Faintly toned muscles made him seem less skinny as he had been as a boy. He smiled at himself, running his fingers through his silver hair, his scarlet eyes rimmed with tears.   
  
He scrambled to find clothes and ran outside, taking a deep breath of air and restrained himself from running and dancing in sheer joy. He strolled jubilantly down the street and couldn't wait to find Shinji again. His entire heart swelled with the thought of seeing him again.   
  
As he was walking, he felt himself grabbed by the arm and drug into an alley way. Kaworu jerked his arm away from the man that had grabbed it.   
  
Who are you? Kaworu asked, unable to make out a face on the tall dark man that stood sheathed in shadow.   
  
Since you're here now, there are some guidelines you must follow. If you do not agree to these conditions, you will return to Heaven and will be a powerless angel, understood? the man told him, curtly. Kaworu nodded silently, waiting to hear what exactly the guidelines are.  
  
You are Kaworu Nagisa again. You have been provided with an apartment and a small bank account. Any record of your previously existing as the 17th angel, Tabris, has been eradicated. As a result, no one has a single memory of your previous existence. You must establish relationships on your own, provide your own income. You're on your own, Kaworu. Good luck, The man faded into the background, leaving Kaworu at a loss for words.  
  
If nobody remembered him, that meant Shinji had lost all memories of him. Wait! Come back! Kaworu shouted down the now empty alley way. The man was gone and Kaworu was left, a fallen angel that not a soul remembered.  
  
Kaworu made his way home and he found himself more depressed than he ever had been as an angel. At least as an angel, Shinji knew who he was. The memories of his existence were gone. He existed again, but to whom?   
  
Shinji shot awake in his bed, his heart pounding and with the sick feeling of sweat running down his back. He looked at his alarm clock, seeing it read 3 am. He wasn't sure what had woken him up; he couldn't remember having a nightmare or anything disturbing him. He laid back down, his hands shaking and his breath unsteady. He had the uncanny feeling that he had forgotten something, and for the life of him, couldn't remember what. As he lay in bed, he ran his mind through his work schedule, various birthdays and anniversaries, what bills he had paid, groceries he had purchased. He hadn't forgotten anything, but the feeling remained. He brushed it aside, figuring he put his house key in a different spot than usual. Just the same, it was nothing important.


	6. Crash

Shinji woke up the next morning, his head spinning. Something was wrong and for the life of him, he didn't know what it was. He walked out of his bedroom and saw Ryozo lounging on the couch, watching cartoons, nursing a cup of coffee. Shinji stumbled into the kitchen, his mind clearly else where. He managed to make himself some breakfast and join his roommate on the couch, but continued to stare into space, racking his brain for the thing that was bothering him.   
  
He finally had the idea on the tip of his tongue and suddenly a foot snuck in front of him, a big toe poking his cheek. Shinji snapped back into reality and swatted Ryozo's foot away.  
  
That's disgusting, get that away from me, Shinji said, frustrated that he had lost his train of thought.  
  
What? They're clean! Ryozo wriggled his toes in front of Shinji's face, laughing. Once he realized Shinji was in no mood to play, he tucked his feet back underneath him and looked seriously at Shinji. Did you find something interesting on the wall or is something bugging you? Ryozo asked, hitting mute on the tv.  
  
Shinji shook his head and let out a sigh. You know that feeling where you know you've forgotten something or there was something you were supposed to know, but for the life of you, you can't remember? Shinji asked.  
  
Yeah, I get it all the time, Ryozo shrugged nonchalantly.  
  
Well, I think I forgot something really really important, but I can't think of what. It's been bothering me since last night, I just can't figure it out, Shinji nibbled mindlessly on his breakfast.  
  
I dunno what to tell ya kid. You're probably losin' it, Ryozo said with a carefree grin.  
  
No, this is serious, is there anything I might have forgotten? Shinji asked, wishing for once his roommate could be serious.  
  
I dunno man. As far as I know, we've got everything paid, no birthdays or anything. I can't think of anything you'd be forgetting, Ryozo said.  
  
Shinji just nodded, accepting this for the time being. He concentrated on eating, trying to push the feeling out of his mind. He didn't have work today, though he wished he did. Sometimes working cleared his mind in a way nothing else could. At work he could concentrate on that and these sort of things didn't bother him. When there was nothing to do at home, such things ate him up.  
  
I think I'm gonna go out today, Ryozo, you're more than welcome to come along, if you want, Shinji offered.   
  
Sure, I'll come along. It's been a while since we've done anything. I was beginning to forget we were buddies, Ryozo grinned.  
  
They left their apartment shortly after, no particular purpose in mind. They wandered the streets for a while, getting lost in conversation and just visiting old places they had liked during their University years. They finally wound up on an abandoned beach, not far from where Shinji had spent his childhood.   
  
A sense of peace washed over Shinji as they pulled off their shoes and walked through the sand and the surf.   
  
I spent some of my childhood here. When I worked for my father, Shinji said, leaving out the tiny details.   
  
He didn't talk about his past much, particularly the year he spent here. It was a rough and terrible time and it made him a little nervous as to why he felt so peaceful on this beach, only feet away from where he was thrust into his own personal hell. But this beach, for some unknown reason, set his mind at peace. He had spent many nights here with Misato, crying on her shoulder and many nights here on his own, thinking about himself and what he wanted.   
  
This is old Tokyo-3, right? Ryozo's voice seeped through Shinji's trip down memory lane.  
  
  
  
I was moved out of here before all of the monsters started appearing, Ryozo said quietly, watching the setting sun, sitting next to Shinji, who stood above him.  
  
The Angels, Shinji murmured with a heavy sigh.   
  
Is that what those were called? Ryozo asked. He couldn't remember much of that time and was unaware of the horrors that Shinji and three other children had to endure. He didn't even know what an Eva was, let alone that it had his roommate as a pilot.  
  
Yeah. That's what those were called, Shinji murmured and continued to stare out on the horizon.   
  
Ryozo sat in silence, watching both the waves crash upon the shore as well as Shinji. Such pain was behind those eyes, he only wished he could understand what Shinji hid in his heart. He had tried many times to get Shinji to talk about it. Shinji put up a good front, if you didn't know him, you wouldn't know that he was dying inside. Ryozo had learned that when they had begun to live together and while he tried to talk about it, Shinji would push the subject aside. He would always turn the topic back to Ryozo. Ryozo hadn't really thought of it that way before then, but found it to be perfectly true.  
  
It's nice here, Ryozo said after a little while, looking up at Shinji. Tears were falling down the other man's face. Shinji, what's wrong? Ryozo stood up, concerned.  
  
Hmm? Nothing's wrong, he said.  
  
Ryozo reached out and touched the wetness on Shinji's face. You're crying.  
  
Oh, wow, he wiped the tears off his face. I wonder what brought that on, I didn't even realize it.  
  
Do you have some strong memories here?   
  
Well, some. But nothing that would bring me to tears, he said, going silent after that, listening to the soft, sobbing sound of the ocean.  
  
When it started to get cold and dark, they both stood up and slipped their shoes back on.  
  
Once they were back in their apartment, Shinji felt like he had finally come to peace with the horrors he had endured ten years ago. His father was dead, Nerv was disbanded, the angels were gone and he was finally able to be his own person. He was no longer manipulated by powers higher than himself.  
  
Thanks for going out with me today, Ryozo, Shinji smiled and laid a warm hand on Ryozo's shoulder.   
  
Ryozo patted his hand and returned the smile. My pleasure, Shinji.  
  
When he crawled into bed that night, Shinji realized that the feeling of having forgotten something was gone. He knew that his trip today had something to do with that and he was glad he had taken it. With the next day, his life would finally be his own. He was finally able to completely move on from his past, he no longer allowed it to be a part of him.  
  
Kaworu sat perched on the same rock that Shinji had found him on ten years ago. He had seen Shinji, was close enough to talk to him, to touch him. But when he saw the younger man approach with what he assumed was a friend, he had hid, buried himself in the shadows. Shinji truly had forgotten him, though it seemed Shinji's heart had not, the tears running down his face had proved that. Something inside Shinji remembered him. They could wipe out his memory, but they couldn't destroy the effect that Kaworu had had on his heart.  
  
Kaworu sobbed quietly, wishing he wasn't so lost and alone, abandoned on this planet and in this existence. If he wasn't able to get Shinji back, the whole thing would be a waste. Although he was able to him in person once again, all he was doing was watching.  
  
A/N: I would just like to say thank you for the reviews and all the kind words towards this story. I am completely in debt to both Jess and Dave. Jess, thanks so much for betaing for me and making me feel like the best damn writer in the world. Dave, thanks for your constructive criticism and your support. It's nice to have someone who loves and respects Kaworu's character as much as me to read it and give me an honest and complete response of what you thought about it. Anyhoo, I don't own Eva or any of the song titles I use for chapter names.


	7. Next Time

The day after seeing Shinji, Kaworu found himself with a change of attitude. He already knew that Shinji wasn't going to come to him, hell Shinji didn't even know who he was. But he was no longer going to mope in his apartment, lamenting his bad luck. Instead, he got himself out, put in a few job applications, bought himself some clothes and started to make a life for himself here.  
  
In his grief of Shinji forgetting him, he had overlooked the fact that he was given a new chance at life. No one knew him, he could be whatever and whoever he wanted. Shinji would no longer feel betrayed or distrustful of him. Kaworu could re-meet Shinji and try again, do it properly this time.   
  
That evening, he settled into his apartment, deciding that the next day he was going to track Shinji down and try to make an introduction. He fell asleep that night with thoughts of getting to know Shinji under their own terms and with as much time as they wanted.   
  
Ryozo, do you have a job or are you a permanent fixture on my couch, Shinji said as he buttoned up his work shirt and tied the apron around his waist.  
  
The other man looked up from his usual spot on the couch and grinned. I'll have you know, this is both of our couch.   
  
Shinji rolled his eyes. You still didn't answer my question.  
  
Yes, of course I have a job. I can just do it from here. The beauty of bein' a writer, I can just email in all my articles. And before you scold me about watching TV all day, it's part of my job, Ryozo stood and got himself another cup of coffee.  
  
Well, you need to get out or something. Sitting around this much is gonna make you fat, Shinji said and made a dive to pinch Ryozo's midsection.   
  
Ryozo laughed and shoved him away playfully. Get your ass to work and make me some money!  
  
Shinji just shook his head and walked out the door, laughing to himself. Ryozo was something else, that was for sure. But when it came down to it, he was a wonderful friend and when bills rolled around, he put in his half without a second thought. Shinji even had reached the point where he found the other man's laziness enduring.  
  
Ryozo settled back on the couch, pulling his laptop off the coffee table and opening it. He ran through his email and then opened up his most recent article, featuring Japan's newest pop stars, and began typing away, losing himself in the computer.  
  
He was jarred out of his concentration when he heard a knock on the door. He suddenly wished that he was at least properly dressed, but it didn't really matter. It was probably just a salesman.   
  
Ryozo opened the door and found a young man about his own age standing behind it. He was taken back by the man's unusual appearance. He had shaggy gray hair and brilliant red eyes that stood out brilliantly against pale, alabaster skin. Ryozo found himself taking a step back, surprised. The young man however, just smiled politely and started speaking.  
  
Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if an Ikari Shinji lived here? The young man asked.   
  
Ryozo nodded slowly. Yeah. He lives here, but he's not here right now. Can I help you?   
  
I'm an old friend of his. Where might I be able to find him?   
  
Um, he's at work right now. He's a bartender at the restaurant down the street, Ryozo said without really meaning to. Shinji would be pissed for letting a complete stranger know where he worked.   
  
Thanks so much for your help, The young man smiled again. Ryozo pushed aside the desire to be mean and offered his hand. The young man may have been a bit creepy, but he seemed nice enough and it was about time Shinji had some other friends. The other man shook it and then turned around, off on his merry way.  
  
Ryozo closed the door slowly, wondering what it was that had just happened.  
  
As Kaworu walked away from Shinji's apartment, he felt like he was walking on air. He had actually found him and while he had just met his roommate, he was one step closer. He nearly ran to the restaurant that man said Shinji worked at. He was actually going to see him. Kaworu's heart swelled with excitement and anticipation as he opened the door and made his way back to the bar.   
  
He swallowed hard and when his eyes fell on Shinji, handing a tray full of drinks to a waitress, Kaworu felt tears spring to his eyes. They had been separated for so long and while Shinji had no idea who he was, he was still there. Kaworu took a deep breath and took a seat at the bar, feeling giddy and light headed.  
  
Can I get you anything? Shinji asked him when he sat down.   
  
Kaworu stared for a moment, unable to really control his actions at the moment. Once the question sank he, he smiled politely at Shinji. A coke will be fine, thanks.  
  
Shinji turned his back towards Kaworu and opened the tap, filling a glass up with coke. He set it down in front of Kaworu and went back to working. He glanced over his shoulder at the other man. If there's anything I can get you, please, don t hesitate to let me know, Shinji smiled and started cleaning glasses.  
  
Shinji had an odd feeling about the man sitting at the bar. He wasn't sure what it was, but he felt uneasy for some reason. It was probably the man's strange appearance. The man was young, but had the gray hair that normally graced old men and red eyes that seemed ready to swallow him up. Despite it all, the man was handsome, to the point where Shinji felt a mild attraction towards him. He shook the feeling off and started getting another tray worth of drinks ready when he heard the man's voice, speaking to him again.  
  
Been working here long? Kaworu asked, trying to start a conversation. Shinji handed off the tray of drinks and smiled.  
  
Long enough.  
  
Do you like it here? The man asked, sipping at his coke.   
  
Yeah, I can't really complain. It pays the bills and I enjoy myself. I can keep to myself most of the time, but at other times, I get to talk to nice folks such as your self, Shinji smiled politely.  
  
No need to flatter me, Kaworu smiled, red eyes sparkling.  
  
I don't think I've ever seen you in here before. Are you new to the area? Shinji asked, finding himself enjoying even the small talk.  
  
Yes, I'm new. I moved here just a few days ago.  
  
I hope you've found it welcoming so far.  
  
I have, The man paused for a second and finished off his coke. I haven't met too many people yet though, he said, looking a bit sad at this.  
  
No one at all? Shinji poured himself a water and wiped the bar idly.  
  
I guess I haven't really been looking. I came here in hopes to meet up with an old friend, but I'm afraid he's forgotten all about me, Kaworu said with a cryptic smile.   
  
I'm sorry to hear that.  
  
No fault of yours. These things happen, Kaworu shrugged and offered his empty glass back for a refill.  
  
Is there nothing else I can get you? Shinji asked, handing back the beverage.  
  
An evening out perhaps, Kaworu said before he could stop himself. He clapped his hands over his mouth and felt a light blush rising to his cheeks.   
  
Shinji chuckled a bit, surprised. It wasn't everyday the bartender got asked for a date.  
  
I'm so sorry. That was inappropriate, not to mention ridiculous. I shouldn't have even asked that, Kaworu said, standing up.   
  
No, it's all right, really. Please sit back down, Shinji was laughing in spite of himself.   
  
Kaworu got back in his seat, embarrassed and knowing he had blown his opportunity. So much for being smooth and suave, sweeping Shinji off his feet. Instead he looked like a fool who had nothing better than to use awful pick up lines on the daytime bartender.  
  
You're going to have to come along a few more times before I'll agree to that, Shinji still had a hint of a laugh in his voice. I'm flattered though. Learn a bit about me before you ask me out, my name may be a good start, Shinji smirked.  
  
Kaworu arched an eyebrow. If only Shinji knew. But he wasn't supposed to know anything about him and to spout off things like his name would just confuse him. So he played along, content with taking it slow.  
  
Alright then. What's you're name? Kaworu asked.   
  
Shinji just smiled. Next time you come in, I'll tell you, Shinji smiled coyly, rather looking forward to this little game. He never considered himself much a flirt, but what did he have to lose?  
  
Kaworu smiled. There was going to be a next time, he hadn't messed everything up entirely. Alright. Next time then.


	8. Silent All These Years

Shinji walked into his apartment, finding the space dark and silent. He looked at the calendar and lightly chuckled to himself. It was deadline day at the newspaper. Ryozo would be stumbling in half dead about about 4-6 in the morning. His roommate may have the easiest job most of the time, but when it came to crunch time, Shinji wouldn't trade him for the world. 

Shinji took the empty apartment as a blessing and took a hot shower, changing into more comfortable clothes. His thoughts kept wandering back to the young man at the bar. A blush rose to his cheeks as he remembered the interest that the man had shown in him and those intense red eyes staring into his. Shinji shook the thoughts off. People were dangerous creatures and often led to heartbreak or pain. He had been left by so many people, he couldn't even handle the idea of getting close to someone. 

He pulled his cello out of the closet, wondering when the last time he had played it was. He settled into a chair and rested the cello between his legs and after a few minutes of tuning it, played songs buried deep in his memory. Hearing the music from his instrument drift to his ears took him back to a time he had fought so desperately to forget. However he found himself remember some of the fun times that kept him sane. On a day like this, he had played in an empty apartment and Asuka walked in and actually complimented him. It was an amazing thing and while she would surely laugh at him for it, hadn't ever forgotten the small appreciation she had granted him. 

Thoughts of Asuka led to thoughts of Misato which led to many others he pushed to the back of his memory. After defeating the angels, Nerv was disbanded, and they all went their separate ways. Asuka returned to Germany, Misato began working for yet another top secret agency in the Japanese government. His father had dropped contact and for all he knew was dead. 

Rei . . . .

He hadn't thought about the enigmatic young woman for quite some time. He couldn't even recall what she wound up doing. His mind flashed images of thousands of clones floating in a container of LCL, a pained and bleeding girl, and piercing red eyes. Eyes that were not quite human . . .eyes he would see in one other being . . . . .

He shuddered, shaken by the vivid pictures in his mind. Red eyes seemed to burn the back of his skull and he wished he knew why. Rei was an amazing creature, gentle and generally kind, but withdrawn and always sad. Was she happy, where ever she was? At this, Shinji set his cello aside and walked out on his porch, breathing in the cool night air, hoping to clear his head. All of this had snuck up on his rather unexpectedly, he wasn't quite sure how to handle it. He fought the urge to sink to the floor of the porch and sob, like he would have so long ago. He stood strong and just stared out. He wondered what all those people were up to and if they thought about him. Or was he nothing more than a part of a nightmare. 

A sharp ring threw Shinji out of his thoughts. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, flipping it open.

Came a tired voice over the phone.

Come pick me up, I'm too tired to drive home, It was Ryozo, his voice thick and slurred.

I haven't got a car, Ryozo, Shinji said, continuing to look out on the night sky.

Then catcha bus or somethin' and I'll let you drive home, Ryozo sighed and Shinji heard him thunk against the wall.

Alright, I'll be there soon, Shinji hung up and grabbed his coat off the peg by the door and made his way towards the newspaper.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground, wanting to get to the news press as quickly as possibly. He ignored people that passed him by, not glancing up once.

Hey! You shouldn't be out here, walking alone this late at night, A voice came to his ear, causing him to look up. A flash of red caught in a street light, startling Shinji. Images flashed across his mind and were gone before he could process them.

Who's there! He called back, drawing his coat up around his face.

The figure stepped out from the steps he was sitting on and into the full light. Shinji recognized the voice to belong to the man that had hit on him on the bar earlier.

Were you following me or something? Shinji asked, instantly suspicious.

Kaworu pulled a knitted cap off his head, causing silver hair to fall into his eyes. No, I live here. I just saw you walking by yourself. I didn't realize it was you, from the bar, up until a second ago, Kaworu explained, standing calmly, playing idly with his cap.

Oh . . . well, I've got to get going. I'll catch you around, Shinji said and began to walk off. Kaworu followed on his tail.

I don't think you oughta be out here alone, He said, striding along side him. Shinji began to walk faster.

Why? So I can be safe from creeps? Shinji glanced back, seeing that the other man had caught up effortlessly.

And you're not one? Shinji asked, sarcastic.

Well, no.Sure seems like it to me, Shinji was about to take off running. 

Please, let me walk with you. I'm not malicious, I promise, Kaworu smiled politely. 

Shinji looked him over, obviously not jiving the idea. The man was tall and slender and didn't look to be concealing a weapon on him, but knowing this town, he wouldn't be surprised if he was hiding a knife or something.

I don't know you. And I don't trust people I don't know, Shinji told him. Kaworu nodded at this and thrust his hand out.

I'm Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu. 

Shinji took the extended hand and shook it tentatively.

I guess I do owe you my name, it is next time'. I'm Ikiri Shinji.

Kaworu couldn't help the smile that broke out brightly across your face.

Nice to meet you, Ikari-san, Kaworu shook his hand and began walking beside him.

Shinji is fine, Nagisa-san, Shinji said, shuddering. His father was Ikari-san.

And Kaworu is fine with me, Kaworu strode easily next to Shinji. Where is it you're headed?I've got to pick my roommate up from work, Shinji said, relaxing considerably around the other man, though his brain was telling him he probably shouldn't.

What's he do for a living? Kaworu asked.

He's a journalist. This is the one night a week he actually has to work his ass off, Shinji chuckled to himself. 

Oh, does he not normally work very hard? Kaworu was beside him self with happiness, he and Shinji were just talking, no impending doom, no tension, just two young men talking.

I guess he does, but I'm on my feet for twelve hours a day sometimes, and he is making a butt groove in our couch, so I guess I don't always give him enough credit.That happens.

A silence fell over them and they just walked, a cool breeze playing in their hair. They walked peacefully next to each other, neither one quite sure where to take the conversation. But the silence was nice. It had been so long since Kaworu had really been in the presence of another person, he swallowed up the companionship. Without even thinking about it, he reached down and slipped his hand into Shinji's. 

Upon feeling the warm hand in his, Shinji jumped and tensed. A warm flush rose to his cheeks and he suddenly felt like an adolescent boy. 

Ummm, Kaworu . . . . ? Shinji asked nervously.

Kaworu, red eyes filled with innocence.

You're holding my hand.I know.Um . . .could you not? Shinji asked, his voice now quite small.

Kaworu felt a slightly stab of rejection and let the hand drop to his side. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, Kaworu explained.

I know, it's just . . . nothing. Don't worry about it, Shinji said and looked off into the distance.

Kaworu watched him. Shinji was still the same scared boy, even after all this time. He had become even more closed off with time, trained at hiding his insecurities, his fears, putting forth an aura of false confidence. He had never worked through his demons, but suppressed them, living under the lie that they would just disappear. Kaworu wanted to help Shinji, now that he knew he wasn't going to become one of those many things that caused the young man pain. This time, Kaworu had time to crack the shell Shinji had put up to protect himself. 

We're here, Shinji said, opening the door to the newspaper building.

Laying asleep on the couch in the lobby was one very worn out Ryozo. Black hair stained the white of the couch and the man was curled up on himself. Shinji walked up to him and nudged him gently.

Come on, Ryozo. Time to go home, Shinji spoke to the other man like a small child.

Kaworu watched his interaction with the other man and wished he could have surprised the pang of jealousy. Kaworu wanted that soft voice and that gentle touch. 

Ryozo sat up and rubbed madly at his eyes and with Shinji's help got to his feet. 48 hours, Shinji. That's how long I've been up, Ryozo mumbled sleepily.

Shinji just nodded and helped Ryozo in to the back of the car, where he laid down and promptly went back to sleep. Kaworu sat shotgun, while Shinji attempted to get the car adjusted to him. He could pilot an Eva, but could never quite get the hang of driving a car. It was a rough ride back to Kaworu's apartment.

Thanks for walking with me, Shinji said when Kaworu opened the door to leave.

You're welcome, Kaworu smiled and started to close the door. Is there any chance we can meet up again? 

Yeah, I think so. Good night, Kaworu, Shinji said and the door closed. He drove off, Kaworu standing in the cool night, feeling rather confused.

As a boy, Shinji had taken kindness and an offer of friendship with open arms, desperate and needy for one person to like him. Now he was withdrawn and guarded himself well. Shinji had found his one person to like him and seemed content with that. Kaworu sighed and walked back up to his apartment and put himself to bed. Tomorrow would be another day and he had no time limit.

Who was that with you, Shinji? Ryozo asked, half asleep walking to his bed.

Someone I've just met.It's about time you've met some new people, Ryozo said with a large yawn and succumbed to sleep for the night.


	9. Collide

A sharp buzz in his ear followed by a dull smack was the sound of Kaworu waking up. He looked bleary eyed at his alarm clock and threw back his sheets, putting his feet onto the cold floor. He stretched like a cat and scratched idly on his way to the bathroom. Work today. He emptied his bladder, jumped in the shower, shaved the soft peach fuzz that grew on his chin and then brushed his teeth.

Human life, was for one thing, dull and routine at times. Not that being imprisoned for ten years was terribly interesting either, but Kaworu had forgotten the monotony that often came with being a human. He woke up in the morning, went to work, came home and did it all over again. He had expected to be with Shinji as soon as he got back on Earth, but that wasn't the case. He had seen Shinji a couple times, but was no more than a blip on Shinji's radar.

He also wished his job came easier to him, but he tended to daydream, which got him into trouble. He cashiered at a market and often reprimanded for seeming cold or aloof, when in fact he had just lost himself in thought. He fumbled with money, not accustom to dealing with currency, and was unable to answer many questions for customers because he simply didn't know. His boss was lenient with him, wrongly assuming him to be mentally handicapped.

His appearance aided in his manager's conclusion. His red eyes, pale skin, and gray hair often brought unkind stares from adults and rude questions from children. He took it in stride, but such things dug under his skin and he found his emotions were already unstable. His human body was much prone to mood swings than he could remember. One moment, he would be laughing and happy, the next, in tears and depressed. A lot had been dumped on his shoulders him. He was still an angel in his mind.

Kaworu wanted to prove that he was a bright, intelligent, and normal man, but it seemed to him, everything was working against him. This was a mental blow he had not been expecting. Before, he had been adapt at piloting an Eva and considered wise beyond his years. But he had been an angel then. He was no less intelligent, but his adapting skills were slower. So he played along, playing dumb when necessary to get by and smiling despite the disappointment that he felt in his heart.

He finally understood the pain that Shinji had felt as a child and how fragile the human heart truly was.

Kaworu tugged on his jacket and pulled his wool cap over his hair and made his way out to work.

Time passed slowly at work, he was bored and the idle conversation with customers was hardly interesting.

He scanned a loaf of bread, a can of soup, a bunch of instant ramen before he looked up, seeing Shinji smiling politely, watching his groceries as they disappeared into bags.

So I've caught you at work now, Shinji smiled when Kaworu looked up finally.

Kaworu was taken back and thrown off his guard. He laughed nervously and scratched idly behind his ears. I'm sorry . . . I was day dreaming, I didn't see you come through my line, Kaworu said, his cheeks growing a bit red.

You seemed bored, Shinji said, as Kaworu continued to ring him up.

I was . . . .I just want to say thank you for walking with me to pick up my roommate, Shinji said and looked down, feeling more nervous than he thought he should at the moment.

Oh, sure. You're welcome, Kaworu said and hit the total button on his register, reading out his total.

Shinji slid his card through the machine and took a deep breath. I get off work at 9 tonight . . . .meet me there? Shinji said in a small, nervous voice.

Kaworu blinked with surprise, dropping the slip of paper and pen he was about to hand Shinji. Never mind, Shinji quickly signed the paper, handed it back to Kaworu and left, his bags in tow.

Kaworu stood gob smacked as Shinji nearly ran out of the place. He cursed himself and quickly got back to work, before his manager walked over.

At the end of his shift, Kaworu returned to his apartment, lost in thought. Shinji, quiet, shy, not aggressive Shinji Ikari had just asked him to meet him after work. What for, he didn't say. So this wasn't a date, but Shinji wanted to be around him, this was an improvement. Kaworu found his mood was brighter than it had been in a while and he flopped content on his couch and day dreamed while the radio played. He was going to meet Shinji at nine.

Shinji nearly ran back to his apartment and dropped the bags as soon as he walked through the door. Ryozo looked up from his laptop and arched an eyebrow. Shinji ran past him, slammed the door to his room and Ryozo was fairly sure he heard the click of the door locking. What the hell was his problem?

Ryozo dutifully stood up and put the groceries away, then walked to Shinji's door and tapped on it gently.

Shinji? What's up?

A muffled sound floated through the door, but it didn't make any sense. Ryozo sighed and tried again. The same muffled sound, which sounded a bit like leave me alone or go away was what greeted him.

Not to be ignored, Ryozo deftly picked the lock to the door and found his roommate, face buried in his bed. Ryozo walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bed, resting a hand on him, rubbing lightly.

What's going on? Ryozo asked, voice soft.

I don't know, came the still muffled reply. Ryozo rolled him over gently and scooted fully onto the bed.

Come on now.Ryozo!! Go away! Shinji shouted and nearly shoved Ryozo off the bed. Ryozo stood quickly, glaring.

What the hell is wrong with you!I don't want to talk about it! Leave me alone!

Ryozo left, resisting the urge to slam the door angrily after him.

Shinji curled up in his bed. He was confused and embarrassed. Where had he finally got the nerve to ask some one out? And not only that, another man. He hadn't ever been interested in women, but he had never really been interested in any one. He lacked the confidence to pursue any sort of relationship . The only relationship he had was his friendship with Ryozo . If it weren't for Ryozo's innate openness and friendliness, it probably wouldn't exist.

Shinji felt more lonely than he had in years. He couldn't remember a time that he had loved any single person and the possibility of finding someone to share his heart with scared him. Loneliness, a hallow empty feeling, was better than the hurt and pain of opening his heart to someone. He was scared to be hurt. He was also increasingly scared of being alone for the rest of his life. What happened when Ryozo grew tired of him? Or married someone? There would be no one left in his life.

Shinji wiped stray tears from his cheeks and opened his door. Ryozo sat on the couch, staring blankly at the tv, his laptop sitting on his lap, ignoring him. It was a difficult thing to upset Ryozo, but he had managed it. Shinji sat on the couch next to him and didn't say anything.

Ryozo kept his eyes forward, ignoring the presence next to him.

Hey, Ryozo? Shinji said quietly, not looking at the other man, his eyes staying ahead.

Was Ryozo's terse reply.

I'm sorry.Yeah, I know.

Shinji scooted closer to his roommate, his one friend, his one source of companionship, and rested his head tentatively on his shoulder. Ryozo wrapped an arm around his waist into a half hug.

How long have we known each other? Shinji asked.

I dunno. . . since Uni.You're the person I've stayed the longest with.No kidding? Ryozo said, a bit surprised.

Yeah. I'm scared, Shinji whispered.

Of what?Being hurt . . . . being alone.It's a part of life, Kid, Ryozo's hand reached up and rubbed Shinji's shoulder.

I know.Don't be afraid. You need other people in your life.

Shinji just nodded and stayed quite, enjoying the gentle rubbing on his shoulder and the contact of another person.

It's about time you got ready for work, Ryozo sad, patting him, nudging him to stand.

Shinji stood up and jumped in the shower, then pulled on the black slacks and white shirt he wore for work. He had asked Kaworu to meet him after his shift. Was he going to show up? Or had he even heard what Shinji had said?

Shinji was kept busy, as evening shifts tended to do. He was mixing drinks and chatting politely with customers. He was a different person at work. While quiet when left to himself, when it was busy like it was, he somehow lost his quiet self and was talkative and cheerful. Ladies winked at the cute bartender and tried to flirt. Shinji winked back and would slip them a free shot or something they liked.

He loved his job because he was completely different at work. He got along well with his coworkers and he wrapped himself up in the energy and fun the restaurant. But when the clock struck nine, he was back to being Shinji, who was quiet and reserved. As he clocked out, his heart took a sudden leap. He had forgotten about what had happened with Kaworu earlier and when he stepped outside, there he stood.

Kaworu wore tight fitting jeans and a worn, second hand t-shirt with a green jacket over it. His gray hair was tousled and a light blush was on his cheeks from the light breeze that blew around them. He looked up when Shinji stepped outside and a small smile formed on his lips. He offered his hand, not sure what Shinji would do with it.

Shinji blinked for a moment and stared a bit longer than he should of. Why was his heart pounding? Why did Kaworu look suddenly irresistible in the glow of the street lamp above them? What the hell was going on?

Kaworu . . . I didn't expect you to be here, Shinji said, once he had regained his voice.

You're the one who invited me, Kaworu said, smiling, feeling warm just being near the one he loved so dearly.

I know, but . . . Shinji was silenced by a thin, pale finger placed on his lips.

Shinji looked up into vibrant scarlet eyes and his heart pounded hard in his chest.

Just walk with me a while, Kaworu said, his hand slipping down, gently grasping Shinji's hand.

Shinji squeaked nervously, but Kaworu just began to walk, coming off cool headed and confident. Shinji blinked and did the only thing he could do. Walk with him.

After walking a while in silence, Shinji looked over at the other man, whose hand was in his, and smiled quite happily to himself.

Where are we going, Kaworu? Shinji asked.

No where. Shinji said and found himself rubbing the top of Kaworu's hand with his thumb.

Are you afraid? Kaworu asked, catching Shinji off guard.

Afraid of what?Well, earlier, when you asked me to meet up with you, you ran away, Kaworu said.

Oh, that. I guess I am afraid, Shinji said, looking down at the ground.

Of what?

Shinji looked up, blue catching red. He looked back down again, overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions. Why was this man turning him inside out and why was he shaking?

I don't know, Shinji replied, quietly. The sound of a wave crashing caused him to look back up. The ocean.Life began here. It is said to be the primordial soup of all life on earth. But it's constantly flowing, changing, yet every time I come back to it, I feel the same, Kaworu said, watching the waves crash gently on the shore, the full moon illuminating the beach.

I know what you mean . . . I've come to this beach since I was a small boy, but when I'm here, Shinji sighed, I'm home.

Kaworu nodded, his hand still in Shinji's as they both sat down in the sand. The moon looks very beautiful tonight, He said, leaning back, looking at the sky.

It is.

They both got very quiet, staring out into the ocean and the sky, two endless spaces no man could completely comprehend.

Shinji? Have you ever wanted something so badly, you would give everything up to have it? Kaworu asked quietly. Shinji looked at him, confused.

What do you mean?I mean . . . never mind, Kaworu said then let out a sigh. He couldn't explain it to Shinji without risking his humanity. He closed his mouth and continued to look out at the ocean.

Shinji found himself growing a bit tired, and adjusted himself to lean his head on Kaworu. Kaworu just looked at him, tears forming behind his eyes. Could Shinji ever realize that Kaworu had defied God and His angels to be in this very spot? This one moment was complete happiness for Kaworu, and Shinji would never know the sacrifices that Kaworu made just to have his cowardly, weak human boy sit with him. Tears fell quietly, the emotion too much for him to restrain. His hands stroked Shinji's soft brown hair and when Shinji looked up at him, childlike wonder in his bright blue eyes, he couldn't help but press a soft, searching kiss on Shinji's lips.

Shinji was surprised by the kiss, but found himself quickly melting into it. It had been so very long since he felt another's touch and he found he needed it more desperately than he had ever thought. Kaworu laid down, Shinji leaning over him, their lips pressed together, soft tongues meeting in wet, warm mouths. Kaworu's arms reached up and pulled Shinji as close as possible to him and Shinji's fingers wound themselves in Kaworu's hair.

Kaworu gasped, heart pounding and swelling. He found himself nearly sobbing in Shinji's embrace.

What's wrong Kaworu? Kaworu, did I do something wrong? Shinji looked up, hurt stinging those innocent eyes.

Kaworu stroked his face, rolling them both on their sides, wrapped his legs around Shinji's. Nothing's wrong . . I'm sorry. I've been overly emotional lately. You've done nothing wrong, Kaworu said and continued to kiss him.

Shinji's mind was spinning. This wasn't ever supposed to happen to him, this blissful, light headed feeling, was one he never thought he could claim as his own. He barely knew the man next to him, kissing him tenderly and urgently. Why did Kaworu want him? What was there to be desired? For the moment, Shinji pushed the thoughts aside, feeling safe and at home in Kaworu's arms. Reason and reality could crash down on him later, but for now, he just wanted this.

The kiss broke slowly, their eyes glued on each other. Shinji's fingers tangled in Kaworu's hair and Kaworu's long limbs wrapped up in Shinji's. Small smiles grew on both their face, this was where they were supposed to be.

I should probably go home, Shinji said, his voice soft.

Shinji kissed him again.

Come home with me. Kaworu's finger traced down Shinji's face.

Shinji pulled himself back slowly, looking at the other man, clothes skewed, hair everywhere, red eyes glowing. He wanted to, he really did. He touched Kaworu gently, cupped his face in his hand and kissed him again. Kaworu nibbled and whispered in his ear.

Take a chance, don't be afraid tonight, Shinji, Kaworu murmured.

Shinji nodded and Kaworu led him back to his apartment, where they stood awkward at the door way, both feeling childish.

This is nice, Shinji looked around.

I just moved in.I like it.I like you, Kaworu pinned Shinji against the door and kissed him again. His hands drifted down and slipped under Shinji's shirt.

What are we doing? Shinji asked, a blush on his cheeks and a wild look in his eyes.

Kaworu smiled mysteriously and unbuttoned Shinji's shirt, letting it slide gracefully off his shoulders.

Their lips met again and Kaworu's hands explored Shinji's bare chest, up his smooth, warm waist, over his erect nipples, making their way to hold Shinji's face lovingly in his hands. Shinji felt his breath quicken and he was drunk off the feeling of Kaworu's soft, dove like hands.

Shinji felt his own hands move on their own accord to pull off Kaworu's t shirt, letting it fall to the floor and he pulled him close, the men holding each other tightly. Kaworu began pulling Shinji towards the bedroom and when that door closed after them, they fell into each others arms, kissing and caressing.

I don't really know what I'm doing, Shinji confessed, blushing. Kaworu chuckled lightly.

Neither do I, he said as he unbuttoned Shinji's work trousers and pulled them down. Shinji squirmed nervously, but a kiss on his hip caused him to relax.

Kaworu . . . .I'm scared again, Shinji said.

Kaworu, kicking his own jeans to the side, slid right next to Shinji, hugging him and kissing him lightly.

Shinji sighed and kissed Kaworu's forehead. He wasn't sure what he wanted out of tonight, but this was certainly good enough for him. Kaworu's hands still explored his body, brushing more than once over an increasingly uncomfortable bulge in his boxers and when that hand slipped down into them, he jumped slightly, surprised.

They slid down and Kaworu stroked, kissing Shinji all the while. Shinji moaned and made small noises, raising his hips into Kaworu's hand.

He murmured, his voice barely above a whisper and spilled into Kaworu's hand.

Kaworu held him close. Shinji's eye lids became heavy as he slipped into a content and heavy sleep. Kaworu smiled at him and wrapped his body around Shinji and drifted off himself.

Author's Note: I just want to say thank you to all the reviews you all have been kind enough to leave. doesn't make it very easy to respond quickly to those that have put in reviews, but I have read each and everyone of them and appreciate the kind words. Also, if anyone is interested in seriously betaing this story, please email me for information. ) thanks again!


	10. Say Goodbye

It wasn't the warm body pressed by his side that Shinji noticed when he opened his eyes. He looked up and saw a ceiling that wasn't his own. He always noticed ceilings first. Through out his time as an Eva pilot, the ever changing ceilings he woke up to served as a symbol of his uncertainty in life. He realized then that nothing for him was set in stone: he relationships, his feelings, even where he woke up.

Another unfamiliar ceiling. It all felt so strange; as if he had been returned to that time of his life. Shinji looked over at the young man, snoring fitfully at his side. De ja vu continued to rush over him. He had never been here before and Kaworu was new to town . . . so why did he feel like he was fourteen again?

Shinji sighed and stretched, hearing a sleepy moan of complaint and Kaworu readjusting in his sleep.

Shinji stared, wondering how he had gotten there. he barely knew the man sleeping next to him. He didn't know where he was from, what his family was like, what his hobbies where . . anything. Kaworu was essentially a perfect stranger.

He had come to the conclusion a long time ago that he had no interest in women. For many years, it seemed he had no interest in anybody. After his time as an Eva pilot, he was alone and broken. His father was gone, Nerv was disbanded and the three remaining pilots were scattered. Misato was reassigned and so many others were dead.

He couldn't open his heart because Shinji felt there was nothing to be found. As he grew, went to school, began to work, Shinji opened slightly. Not exactly healed, but patched enough to a functioning human.

Now he was here: naked in a bed with an unknown individual.

Came a quiet, heavy voice from beside him.

Shinji jumped slightly, pulled from his thoughts.

Kaworu pulled himself up slightly to rest his head on Shinji's chest. I felt you moving around.Yeah. I just woke up, Shinji studied the silver hair that tickled his chest.

Kaworu murmured to himself and ran his fingers idly across Shinji's bare chest. Then he looked up, red eyes vibrant despite the fact he had just woken up.

Sleep good? Kaworu asked, hands still softly touching Shinji.

Shinji just nodded. His head was spinning and he couldn't seem to pull together a single thought in his mind. Something lingered in the back of his brian, like a vague dream. Shinji concentrated, trying to grasp it, but it flittered away from him too quickly. He was left with his mind blank and frustrated.

He pulled himself from Kaworu's arms abruptly and left the room without another word.

Kaworu watched him leave and slumped back sadly on his bed. He could only imagine what was going through Shinji's head. He had no memory of Kaworu . . Tabris' sacrifice. While it was a fact Kaworu understood, he hated that Shinji thought him as a random stranger.

Kaworu pulled himself out of bed, tugged on pants and found Shinji sitting in the living room. Kaworu leaned against the wall and pushed a hand through rumpled silver locks.

You okay, Shinji? He asked, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen over the room.

Shinji remained silent, not even glancing at Kaworu. Kaworu sighed . . . why did everything have to be an uphill battle. . couldn't he win for once!

I think we need to talk about what happened here last night, Kaworu tried again, doing his very best to keep his internal frustration out of his voice.

There's nothing to talk about, Shinji replied this time, but his eyes remained fixed on the empty space before him.

Something is clearly bothering you, Kaworu shifted his weight, unconsciously taking a defensive stance.

What happened, happened. Nothing to talk about, Shinji's voice was cold and detached.

Shinji! How much longer do you plan on running from your problems? Kaworu's voice raised slightly. As an angel, he had impeccable control over his emotions; as a human, he found his fuse had been shortened considerably.

Shinji stiffened at Kaworu's words, he'd obviously hit a nerve. 

What do you know about anything! I don't even know you! Shinji was on his feet, advancing on Kaworu.

Kaworu glared at him. It was Shinji who knew nothing. Knew nothing of the hollowness in his heart when Shinji was away. Knew nothing of the ten years they both suffered. Knew nothing about anything . . and it was Kaworu's fault. As it all washed on him, Kaworu couldn't help the furious tears that filled his eyes.

You don't understand! And that's my fault. God damn it! Kaworu threw his hands up and paced around the living room of his apartment.

These human emotions overwhelmed him. Hurt, fury, pain, betrayal, and love coursed through his blood like molten lava. He felt hopeless and lost.

Shinji watched him for a moment, then gathered his things.

Shinji, you don't have to go, I'm sorry, Kaworu stopped his pacing and put a hand on Shinji's arm.

Shinji pulled his arm back. No, I'm sorry. I made a mistake by coming here . . . I don't even know you, Shinji placed his hand on the door.

No! Shinji! with that, the door closed and Kaworu just wanted to scream.

He pulled his shoes on quickly and ran with a mad passion to the sea shore, the one place he found comfort. 

Once again, Kaworu was on his knees, screaming to the heavens.

Is this what I sacrificed for! A man who doesn't know me! His heart remembers! His body remembers! But humans think with their damn minds! Why . . . . . Kaworu buried his face in his hands.

God had no obligation to answer a mere human's plea of why. God had no obligation to a fallen angel.


	11. Somewhere Other Than the Night

Ryozo was standing at the kitchen counter, munching on freshly made breakfast when Shinji walked through the door. He looked up, his roommate was wearing the same clothes from yesterday and seemed disheveled . . . Shinji had apparently made a new friend last night.

"Hey, Shinji! What happened last night?" Ryozo asked, swallowing down a bit of food and wiping his mouth his his sleeve.

Shinji looked up at Ryozo for a moment. If he didn't respond, Ryozo would be upset, if he did, then Shinji would have to relive what happened last night. He took a deep breath, Ryozo was the only person who cared for him, may as well not ruin that relationship.

"I went out with a guy last night and stayed the night," Shinji said, deciding to make himself some breakfast as well.

"Yeah? Did anything happen?" Ryozo asked, a bit surprised, it wasn't like Shinji to be that impulsive.

Shinji was quiet for a moment, placing bread in the toaster. "Yeah. Nothing super serious, but yeah."

"Ah. Are you going out again?" Ryozo asked, sipping at his juice.

"I don't think so. I don't know him and I think I made a big mistake last night. I just left this morning," Shinji shrugged.

"Wait, you just left . . .did you leave a note or something?"

"No. He was awake when I left. He wanted me to stay, but I didn't know him and it was just too weird, so I more or less ran out," Shinji explained.

"That's shitty, Shinji."

"What!" Shinji looked up, his eyes wide. "He was a complete stranger and I let him . . look, I don't' know anything about him and I just jumped in bed with him! It was a mistake."

"So you just left? The guy seems to like you, wouldn't have asked you to stay if he didn't. Did you even hear him out?"

"I guess not. Look Ryozo, it isn't a big deal. I'll never see him again."

Ryozo rolled his eyes and cleaned up his dishes. "You should talk to him at least. Because from where I'm sitting, you used him."

"Used him for what?" Shinji glared, offended that Ryozo was sticking up for Kaworu, who he didn't even know.

"I don't know, if a girl stayed with me then just called me a stranger and ran out without knowing what I feel or anything, I'd be feeling a little bit used," Ryozo kept calm, knowing that Shinji didn't respond well to being shouted at.

"I didn't use him."

"Maybe not on purpose. Call him again, maybe go on a date or something," Ryozo offered.

"No."

"Quit being so damn afraid of letting people in your life."

Shinji glared and threw what was left of his food in the trash. "I didn't run away."

Ryozo was quiet after this, he said his piece. Shinji was running again. Shinji was always running. Ryozo just threw up his hands and wandered out into the living room, leaving Shinji seething in the kitchen.

"I didn't run away. I made a mistake, I don't know him," He said to himself, walking to his bedroom and closing the door.

But Shinji was just lying to himself. He crawled under his sheets, finding himself missing the warm embrace he had woken up to this morning, the one he didn't even notice at first. But now there was the ghost of where Kaworu had been. Kaworu seemed genuine enough, what ulterior motives could he really have? Ryozo was right, he had used Kaworu. Used Kaworu for his kind heart and warm willing body. The hurt words that came from Kaworu as he left echoed in his ears. Kaworu wanted him to stay, even after all those things he had said. What would be so bad about letting someone in his heart? He could get hurt . . . . he was already hurting with being alone. Kaworu wanted to be with him.

Shinji sighed and walked out of his room. Ryozo was cleaning up the kitchen and didn't look up when Shinji stood at the counter.

"Okay, if we pretend you're right, what do I do to make it up to him?" Shinji asked, not ready to admit that he had made a mistake, at least out loud.

"You can start off by not pretending that I'm right. You fucked up, get over that," Ryozo said and tossed the sponge into the sink.

"Hey! I don't need a fight with you, Ryozo. Just help me out, okay?" Shinji asked, feeling frustration start to swell inside him.

"You need to handle this on your own. You gotta grow up and face it. You made the problem, you fix it," Ryozo said and pulled out his laptop, sitting down to start writing.

"What the hell is your problem! I'm just asking for you help and you're ripping my ass!" Shinji snarled. "Some best friend you are."

Ryozo ignored Shinji and just started typing the story he had to turn in later that day.

"Don't ignore me!" Shinji shouted suddenly, standing in front of Ryozo.

Ryozo put the laptop aside and stood up, staring the other man down.

"Grow up Shinji. Go act like a man and fix your mistake. What happened is none of my business and I'd rather have nothing to do with it," Ryozo's voice was hard and cold.

Shinji's face contorted with hurt, feeling left alone. He sudden leaned forward, pulling Ryozo close to him, hot bitter tears running down his cheeks.

"What's happening to me, Ryozo?" He asked, his voice muffled from Ryozo's shirt.

The other man sighed and patted his back reassuringly. "I dunno kiddo."

Shinji stood there, Ryozo's warm hand rubbing his back slowly. He felt safe and protected at that moment, nothing could hurt him right now. A strange thought of his father came to his mind as he stood in his roommate's arms. He never had this affection when he was younger, his father would have never even thought of holding and comforting his son. . . and yet Ryozo and Kaworu did it freely and without question. He was afraid that it wasn't real . . . he pushed them away because he was afraid of being hurt. . . he hadn't changed since he was 14 years old. He didn't reject Kaworu because he was a stranger, he did it because he was scared to death that Kaworu would reject him first. And all Kaworu seemed to want was him. He took a deep breath and allowed himself to be held, not pushing away, but embracing the protection and warmth that he now felt. He then looked up at Ryozo and heaved a heavy sigh.

"I'm going to call him . . ." Shinji said.

"Best damn idea you've had all day," Ryozo said with a smile. Shinji returned the smile and stepped slowly out of Ryozo's arms. He glanced over his shoulder as he made his way to the phone.

"Thanks . . . by the way. I needed that," Shinji said and stood at the phone.

"You didn't get his phone number, did you?" Ryozo asked after a few minutes.

"Nope."

"Could go back to his place," Ryozo suggested. Shinji nodded and grabbed his jacket and apartment key and headed out the door.

Author's Note: I am not dead, this story is not even close to being finished, I just work 40 hours and/or attend school (depending on the time of year). I don't have a lot of time to work on this, but I'm trying to get something out, even if they're tiny little chapters. Chapter 12 is already in the works, so maybe it won't take so long. Thanks for bearing with me!


	12. Behind These Scarlet Eyes

Desperate, broken sobs wracked Kaworu's body. His face was buried into his hands, sharp sand stabbed his forehead as he lay crumbled on the seashore. It was a mistake to have come back here, he had been an idiot to think that he could make his way back into Shinji's heart. He bitterly thought of how human's all too frequently made decisions with their minds, Shinji being no exception. Angels were emotional creatures, their hearts and emotions dictating their every move. Kaworu's entire body ached with his inability to win Shinji , in addition to that all, how quickly Shinji pushed him away.

His eyes burned as he looked up finally, looking out into the endless horizon. Tears continued to stream down his face, but he calmed himself slowly, but nothing could take away the pain Shinji had caused him except time. His entire reason for returning to be a useless, meaningless human was a man who cared nothing for him, viewed him as nothing more than a stranger. How could Shinji know what Kaworu had done for the sole reason of being near Shinji, to touch him, to feel him, to love him. He would never know. Kaworu didn't require gratitude or recognition for what he did. He just . . . wanted justification that he hadn't acted in vain. Kaworu continued to stare out into the ocean and slowly pulled his clothes off. He waded out slowly into the water, the surf brushing gently against his ankles and finally the cool water rested at his waist. The ocean moved soothingly against him, though he shivered against cold.

You are good to me Father. Even now, I can take comfort in your soft embrace of the ocean. I'm sorry, Father. I'm sorry for defying you, Kaworu lowered his face as more tears came from his eyes. I think I made a mistake. I only wish I could return to the warmth and safety of your home Father. Even as a prisoner, I never hurt as badly as this. Help me Father, please, Kaworu whispered aloud, his voice quivering in both reverence for his Father and the harsh tears he had cried.

He inhaled deeply, wiping the tears desperately from his eyes. He couldn't cry anymore. Regardless of what had happened, how Shinji felt, he was still forced to live a lifetime as a human here on Earth. The entire time he had spent here so far had been dedicated to finding and being with Shinji and Kaworu came to the realization that he had done nothing for his own benefit, except worked to merely keep himself alive. He was still driven by a strong force of free will, yet he was still living under another man's will. With this thought, he steeled himself and looked resolutely up to the heavens.

Father, I refused to live under your will . . . and I refuse to live under Shinji's! He shouted to the skies and a sense of self strength empowered Kaworu.

He had been Tabris, the angel of free will. He needed no one but himself. If Shinji wished to be a part of his life, than so be it, but no longer would Kaworu fight to win the man's heart. He had to live for himself, as lonely as the thought was, it was one that would save him quite a bit of heart break and pain. He pushed his shoulders back and stood strong, still waist deep in the water that had bore him at one time and that now gave birth to him again, this time as an independent human man, who needed not a single soul, except himself.

Shinji found himself running back to the apartment that he had so desperately wanted to leave this morning. His heart was pounding when he stood at the door.

He shouted, banging his fist hard against the door. Kaworu, it's me! Let me in, please, I'm sorry, Shinji shouted and when he realized the other man wasn't there, he shoved his hands roughly though his brown hair and gripped it, racking his brain.

The ocean . . .

Shinji was off running again, though for once he wasn't running from his problems, but running straight towards it. This terrified him, but yet he continued, heading head on into a problem he had created himself.

He made it to the seashore, at first having to bend over, his hands on his knees as he panted to catch his breath. He looked up into the water and saw a vision of an angel. Not the kind he had fought, but the ones he heard stories about. Beautiful celestial beings that were the children of God. Sunlight cast a soft glow around the angel's head and Shinji swore he saw a glimpse of wings. He stood in shock, completely mesmerized by the perfect creature in the water.

He blinked a few times and his vision cleared. His exquisite angel was actually Kaworu, standing waist deep in the water. Shinji took off again, running into the water, causing the other man to turn around sharply, scarlet eyes wide in surprise.

Shinji! What are you doing here? Kaworu asked, confused.

I've come after you. Shinji explained, still desperately trying to catch his breath.

I'm nothing more than a stranger to you . . . Red eyes went cold suddenly as the surprise faded and his new resolution rang clear in his mind.

. . . . . Shinji couldn't form the words and stood dumbly in front of the pale man, who seemed to have lost all patience with him.

Kaworu brushed past Shinji and strode out of the water, pulling his clothes back on over his wet body. He began to walk off in the other direction.

Shinji followed him, slowed by his now sodden clothes.

I want you too, Shinji said, holding his trousers up with one hand as the water had weighed them down.

Then I shall return the favor you gave me earlier, Kaworu turned without another word and walked in the other direction.

Shinji stood in the sand, shocked. Kaworu had so far been nothing but extremely kind and seemed to bend over backwards to be near Shinji. That much was clear with how badly Kaworu had wanted him to stay this morning. Shinji let out a shout of frustration as he watched the retreating form. He paced for a minute and then decided to just go home. Today was not going to be the day he was going to make any amends with Kaworu Nagisa. Ryozo had been right, he screwed up badly and he made the decision to take it in stride, give the other man his space.

Shinji asked when he got back to the apartment.

Ryozo peeked his head out of the bathroom, his hands covered in rubber gloves and holding a bottle of cleaner. He looked his roommate over and then arched an eyebrow. What the hell happened to you?I found Kaworu, Shinji explained.

Was he hiding in the ocean or somethin'?Well, yeah. He was, he said.

Ah. How'd it go?He walked away from me, Shinji looked down, the rejection stinging at him.

A smirk spread across Ryozo's lips. Good man. How'd it feel to watch his back, like he watched yours this morning?I'm not in the mood for an irony lesson, Shinji snapped.

Ryozo shrugged and went back into the bathroom to continue cleaning. Something else on your mind?Yeah. How do I get him back?Why do you want him back?

Shinji was quite as he thought over an answer for this. He sat on the toilet and watched as Ryozo leaned over their bath, scrubbing away at the tile. It was interesting Ryozo didn't even seem to care that the person Shinji was trying to be with was a man . . . hadn't even brought the case into question. While that wasn't what he was supposed to be thinking about, discussing this openly with Ryozo had caused the thought to pop in his head.

You don't even care that Kaworu is a man? Shinji asked, tilting his head.

What does that have to do with anything? he looked up from the tub.

I was just thinking and I remembered you hadn't said anything about it, Shinji shrugged.

You don't say anything when I go out. . . why should I bug you? Ryozo said and brushed stray hair out of black eyes with the back of his hand. Now, answer my first question, why do you want him back?I honestly don't know . . .he liked me, that's a nice feeling.Brilliant, Shinji.I don't know why I want him back! I liked being around him, it felt so natural and good to be with him, Shinji attempted an explanation.

Good enough. Have you apologized yet?I don't think so.Damn kid. Hmm. Well, you could maybe ask him out, try to show that you want to be with him, Ryozo shrugged.

But, what if he says no? Shinji asked, fear creeping into his voice.

Than he says no and you move on with your life. . . or keep trying.If he says no, then he doesn't like me. I don't want to bother him all the time, the young man sounded extremely nervous about disturbing Kaworu at all.

Ugh, he clearly likes you plenty. You just hurt him, he needs to know you want him, ya know? the journalist rubbed his forehead and sighed.

I guess so.Give him a day or so to let today blow over. Then call him, Ryozo said and took the gloves off, tossing them in the trash.

But what if he . . Shut up, Shinji.

Shinji's mouth gaped open.

Stop worrying about it. If you want him as badly as you think you do, then none of that is going to matter. You're going to do everything you can to win him back, right? If he tells ya no a couple times, try harder, Ryozo said and walked out of the bathroom.

Shinji followed quietly, nodding. This is why he avoided relationships in the first place, they were so fucking complicated and required so much work. He was scared to death to pick up the phone and call Kaworu after what had happened at the seashore. Running to meet up with him had about sucked up his quota of bravery for the next couple months and he wasn't sure if he was prepared to try and pressure this. Ryozo made it sound so easy, but his stomach twisted into knots at even the thought of contacting Kaworu again. Shinji could feel his blood pressure rise as he thought about even running into the other man around town. He had landed himself in a huge mess and from where he sitting, it was much easier to just ignore that Kaworu existed and go back this lonely, albeit easy life.

Every since that man had stepped into his bar and batted an eyelash, Shinji's world had been flipped upside down and turned inside out. He was scared, nervous, anxious about the whole damn thing and just willed the whole situation away. He resolved to let it rest for a few days, letting himself gain the confidence and the will to try and fix this again . . . and pray desperately for the easy path.


	13. Lost at Sea

Deadline day again. Ryozo sat staring at the typed words on his computer screen, his eyes sore and damp with exhaustion. He was never quite sure why he always had to wait until last minute to get his articles written, but that was the way it went. He worked well under pressure and knowing that he had to get the article written always gave him that extra kick in the ass to buckle down and do his job. He leaned back in his chair, taking a sip of his long cooled coffee. Arching his back, he stole a look at the clock . . .when had it gotten to be 4 am. He sighed and pushed a hand through his dirty hair. He couldn't sit a moment longer and got out of his chair and walked into the darkened living room.

No light was in the room, save for the orange glow of a cigarette. Smoke filled the air and he arched an eyebrow.

"Since when do you smoke?"

Shinji was sitting on the couch, staring out into the dark room, clearly lost in thought. Shinji looked up, a bit surprised to see his roommate.

"Oh. . . um I guess I just started," Shinji held the cigarette awkwardly in his hands. He had honestly started shortly after the Kaworu ordeal. It helped him concentrate, the meditative process of controlled breathing relaxed him. And it gave him something to do with his hands, made him feel somewhat productive as he sat alone.

"Ah," Ryozo sat next to him and pulled his legs up to his chest.

Shinji put the cigarette out and sighed.

"Still thinking about him, aren't you?" Ryozo asked.

"Yeah. I can't stop. . . and I really do want to," Shinji turned to face Ryozo.

It had been months since he had even seen Kaworu. He had tried a couple times to catch Kaworu at work, but it never seemed to work. He had thought about running to his apartment, but found he just didn't want to. It wasn't that he didn't want to meet up with Kaworu again and discuss what they could be. But he just didn't. So he went about his everyday life, taking each day at a time, pushing the issue further and further back in his mind. But then there was these nights, where a strange feeling took over his stomach and he felt weird. Jittery, uncomfortable and nervous. So he sat out on this couch, smoking late into the night, just trying to calm himself, make sense of everything, but mostly to make the feeling go away. But he couldn't. It drove him mad, he just wanted to feel normal again, go back to the way he was before.

Ryozo was quiet, sitting silently next to Shinji as Shinji, now without the cigarette to still his hands, wrung his hands. He sighed and reached out, placing his hand on Shinji to stop the wringing. Surprisingly, Shinji didn't pull his hands away.

"Have you even called him?" Ryozo asked quietly.

Shinji shook his head. "I want to, then I just . . . can't. I've never been so alone," Shinji let out a shaking breath.

Ryozo frowned and pulled his roommate into his arms. Since the time at the seashore, Shinji had lost weight and hardly slept. He hid it well, blaming his stress on work, but Ryozo knew better.

Shinji felt warm and safe in Ryozo's unexpected embrace. He wrapped his arms around the other man, just needing human contact. Neither man spoke, darkness and stale smoke around them. Shinji noted being surprised when Ryozo's lips were suddenly against his, but he didn't pull back. This was safe, comforting, and better than being alone. His lips yielded slowly against Ryozo's, giving himself completely to his roommate.

He wasn't sure what compelled him to do it, but it felt right. Ryozo ran his tongue slowly against the tobacco tainted lips of his roommate, holding the thin frail man close. Shinji's tongue was reluctant to meet his, but did slowly, tongues dancing awkwardly and slowly.

Shinji let out a quiet moan as he lost himself. Ryozo pulled back after a few moments, looking at him. He swallowed hard.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that," Ryozo said quietly.

Shinji just looked at him, lips moist from the kiss. He blinked, eyes wide and innocent. Ryozo smiled and tenderly touched his cheek. "I know it's not me you want, but, I'm here."

He nodded and allowed Ryozo another kiss. This was something to fill the hole, cover it up for a while. Shinji pulled back again when tears began to roll down his cheeks. He buried his face in Ryozo's shoulder, quiet sobs wracking his body. Ryozo could just sigh, rubbing his back.

"When did everything get so fucked up?" Shinji whimpered.

"I dunno, baby," Ryozo tried to comfort him the best he could.

"I just don't want it to hurt anymore!" Shinji pulled his body into a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible.

There was nothing Ryozo could say. He sat quietly by him for a few minutes before getting back up and disappearing into his room again, himself also quite confused. He stared back at his laptop, the cursor blinking, waiting for him to finish. He could still taste Shinji on his lips. He wish he knew why he had done that. Shinji was lost and confused as it was, that only complicated matters. Before Kaworu had breezed into their lives, everything was peaceful and regular. Now even Ryozo wasn't sure what to expect or how to handle the situation. He found he was no longer cool headed and easy going all the time. Shinji's depression had brought him down as well and his work had suffered because of it. He just stared at the computer a moment longer before saving the document and closing the laptop. He crawled into his bed, exhausted and his head spinning and he slipped into a restless sleep.

When he woke, he found Shinji asleep on the couch without even so much of a blanket to protect him. Ryozo disappeared into Shinji's room and brought out his comforter, wrapping it around him. He watched Shinji sleep for a few minutes before putting breakfast on. This morning was going to be awkward, that much he was certain of. So for now, he just wanted to enjoy his breakfast and morning coffee while Shinji slept.

As he sipped his coffee, Shinji began to stir and woke up. He rubbed his eyes, standing up off the couch and stretching with a loud yawn. He padded his way into the kitchen where Ryozo had left a plate of eggs and toast out for him. Shinji silently took the plate and sat on the other end of the table, eating without a word.

Ryozo glanced up at him occasionally, but neither spoke. After they were finished with their breakfast, they both disappeared to their bedrooms. Ryozo when back in his growled. This isn't what he had wanted. No awkward silence or feeling like he had upset his best friend. He grumbled as he sat in front of the computer and quickly finished his article, sending it off to his editor along with a note saying he was feeling ill that day. He needed to collect his thoughts and spend some time with Shinji. After he sent the email off, he went to Shinji's room and knocked on the door. When he didn't get a reply, he opened the door anyway.

"What the hell?" Shinji was on his bed.

"Get up," Ryozo said.

"Why?"

"Because we're not going to sit here and act like nothing happened last night!"

"Why not? I don't know what happened last night, but we were both tired and lonely. Didn't mean anything," Shinji rolled over, pulling his blanket over his head.

"Bull shit!" Ryozo yanked the blanket off Shinji.

"Get the hell away from me! I don't know what the hell you're thinking but bugger off and leave me alone," Shinji snarled.

"Why is it when someone shows you an ounce of affection, you turn tail and run!"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"No, I think it's time you did. It didn't matter that Kaworu was a stranger, did it? You're just so damn scared of rejection that you'd rather do it yourself. You did it to him and I'll be damned if you do it to me."

"Look Ryozo. You don't care for me that way and you know it! I don't know what you were thinking, but it's better if we just went about like it didn't happen," Shinji grabbed his blanket back from Ryozo.

Ryozo glared at him, then grabbed his wrist.

"Let me go, Ryozo."

Ryozo let his hand drop. He glared at him.

"You're such a coward, Shinji," Ryozo turned and slammed the door behind him.

Shinji ran after him, opening the door.

"What is your problem!" Shinji stormed after him.

"You are!"

"Why?" 

"Shinji, look, I don't know why, but I care for you damnit," Ryozo shouted, his heart pounding.

". . . ."

"Yeah, that's what you're best at, saying nothing. Look, forget it," Ryozo turned and went to go back to his room.

"What am I supposed to say to that?" Shinji was the one to grab Ryozo's wrist this time.

"I really don't know Shinji," Ryozo's voice was cold.

". . . You're going to shut me out like he did," Shinji was quiet with this realization.

"Maybe because you shut us out first," Ryozo stared at him.

"I don't know what to do," Shinji looked at him, confused.

"Do what you always do. Run away and avoid getting yourself hurt with no regard as to what it does to others," Ryozo pulled his hand back.

"You never even indicated you liked me before," Shinji crossed his arms in front of him.

"Yeah well, I guess I didn't think about it until last night," Ryozo shrugged.

"I can't give you what you want," Shinji looked down.

"Then you better give it to the person you can give it to," Ryozo look straight at Shinji.

"I don't know how,"

"Then fucking figure it out," Ryozo turned and went into his room.

Shinji only stood there for a moment before following Ryozo into his room. He hadn't spoken to Kaworu in months and he wasn't even sure why he was clinging on so hard to him. As he crossed the door jamb into Ryozo's room, he wasn't following his heart, but was going with the next best option. He would never be with Kaworu, best to make do with what was before him.

"Think we could make something work?" Shinji asked.

Ryozo shrugged.

They looked at each other for a few minutes, neither one sure what to do. It was Ryozo who pulled Shinji into a rough hug. Shinji was stiff in his arms, but wrapped his arms around him awkwardly.

"You're a bastard, you know that," Ryozo said quietly. Shinji just nodded.

Author's Note: Deepest apologies for how long updates have taken. I can't promise when I'll have the next one. It was just one of those night's I could write. Bear with me, I'll try and keep up the best I can.


	14. Only a Matter of Time

Author's Note: clears off the cobwebs. I'm baaack! If only for the time being. Damn, two years and no update, my bad. The tone of this chapter is changing, hopefully for the best. We'll see when I update again, hopefully it won't be another two years. Don't mind me as I get back into the groove of this.

Kaworu jumped and tossed his book aside when his phone began ringing in his pocket. He composed himself and dug his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and flipped it open.

"Hey Kaworu! Interested in going and getting some lunch with me?" came the voice on the other line. It belonged to one of his coworkers, Souta.

Souta had started chatting with him during their breaks at the market and they had gradually become friends. Kaworu was surprised at first, as most of his coworkers assumed him to be mentally handicapped in some way and he found his converstions with Souta had greatly improved this image, as he became more out going.

"Yeah, actually. That would be great," Kaworu said as his stomach growled. "Let me get changed, I'll swing by your place."

"Perfect! I know a place I've been wanting to try."

Kaworu hung up the phone and slipped on a sweater and his knitted cap, it was late fall and the weather was getting colder quicker than he could get clothes to bundle up in. He slipped his wallet into his back pocket and with a casual glance in the mirror, he was on his way.

Souta was already waiting outside of his apartment when Kaworu turned on to his street. Souta greeted him with a grin.

"A friend of mine keeps telling me this place is pretty good for the money. And we both know that damn market doesn't pay enough," Souta chuckled and started walking towards the restaurant.

"I know! I've been there for what, 5 months now. When they hired me, they said something about a review after three months to consider a raise. Nothing!" Kaworu laughed. His pay was on the low side and he rather hated the job, but people like Souta made it worth while.

They talked about work, general complaints and gossip dominated the conversation and Kaworu didn't even notice when they walked through the door and were seated at the bar. It was fairly slow, so the bartender came up to take the orders and Kaworu couldn't help the jump in his stomach when he saw who would be waiting on them.

Shinji stared in shock as Kaworu walked into his restaurant, he hadn't seen the man in months. it jarred him to see Kaworu there, but he brushed it aside for the time being for the sake of professionalism.

"Good afternoon gentlemen. What can I get for you?" Shinji asked, his voice neutral, but polite.

Kaworu couldn't help but stare for a moment, but then shook it off and looked up at Shinji. There was no sense in holding a grudge, and Shinji seemed to be making an effort to avoid an awkward situation.

"Just a coke for me please."

"Me too," Souta seconded and glanced back at the menu.

Shinji quickly poured the drink and set them in front of the two men with an amicable smile.

"Just let me know if you need anything at all. I'll take your food orders whenever you're ready," Shinji turned back to his cleaning behind the bar, his heart pounding uncontrollably.

Kaworu returned to his conversation with Souta, his eyes glancing every once in a while at Shinji. Shinji was cleaning a hole into the counter, trying to get rid of an invisible stain. He felt bad for Shinji, he knew his being here was throwing Shinji's world off its axis. He grinned a bit to himself, it was good for Shinji to be knocked out of his element.

After looking at the menu for a few moments, Kawrou caught Shinji's attention and ordered his food, then returned to his conversation. Shinji then disappeared, presumably to send the order to the kitchen, but Kaworu noticed he took a longer time than usual to return to his post at the bar.

Shinji watched Kaworu from the corner of his eye, it was killing him. Kaworu seemed so . . . . happy, it simply wasn't fair. Kaworu had moved on, he could tell by the easy way he smiled to his friend, the casual manner that he acknowledged Shinji. How could Kaworu make it look so damn simple?!

Shinji continued to fill their drinks and delivered their food, a million words nearly tumbling out of his mouth every time Kaworu looked his way. He bit his tongue hard.

Kaworu and Souta sat and talked for a good half hour after they finished their food, Shinji catching bits and pieces of conversation. There was a whole new world that Kaworu was involved in and Shinji didn't play a single role in it. Shinji usually enjoyed his casual eavesdropping on his customers, enjoying the momentaiy involvement in strangers everyday lives. But listening to Kaworu talk about people and situations he had no clue was oddly painful. When he had met Kaworu, he was the only person Kaworu knew and wanted to be with. But now, he was a vague memory in Kaworu's mind, meanwhile Kaworu occupied his thoughts and day dreams daily.

Shinji watched as Kaworu's friend stood up and left his half of the bill on the counter.

"Well, if you want to hang out here for a while, you have a good time. I gotta get going to work," Souta said.

"See you later then," Kaworu smiled and wove good bye to his friend, taking a drink of his soda.

He then looked over at Shinji, as his friend left.

"How are you doing?" Kaworu said easily, a polite smile on his face.

What an unfairly loaded question, Shinji thought.

"I'm good. Not up to much, just . . . working" Shinji replied and found his fingers searching for his cleaning cloth to occpy his shaking hands.

Kaworu laughed, "I'm with you there, I feel that's all I do these days."

"Hey, so long as the bills are paid, right?" Shinji said with a forced laugh.

They were quite for a few minutes, Shinji tending his invisible stain, Kaworu nursing his drink. Words were hanging on Shinji's tounge and he was dying to say them. He battled with his mind, which was telling him to shut up and just do his job. But his tongue won the battle and when he opened his mouth again, the words came tumbling out.

"Kaworu . . . we ended on some really bad terms. Maybe, we can get together sometime and clear the air?" Shinji shrugged with the statement, trying to hide the fact that those "bad terms" had been eating him alive for the past months.

Kaworu took a sip of his soda and chewed it thoughtully for a moment.

"Sure. Yeah, that may be nice, actually," Kaworu said with a shrug.

Shinji's heart was pounding audibly.

"Uh, great. Well. .. um, if you want to just call me sometime, here's my number" Shinji scribbled his number down on a scrap piece of receipt paper.

Kaworu took the piece of paper and slipped it into his pocket without even glancing at it.

"I will. It was good seeing you Shinji."

With that, Kaworu stood up and left his money on the counter and strolled out the door, looking not the slightest bit affected at all.

Shinji had the sudden need for a cigarette break.

Predicatably, Ryozo was working on his laptop when Shinji came through the door after work. Shinji had managed to get control of his emotions after Kaworu had left, but now in the safety and comfort of his own home, he felt the need to vent it out.

"Hey, did you get my message from eariler?" Shinji asked Ryozo.

"Yeah, I did. Sorry, I was busy when you called," Ryozo saved his document automatically and set the computer aside.

"It's okay, I was actually still at work, I didn't have long to talk anyway," Shinji sad next to his roommate.

"So what happened? You sounded kind of frantic when you called."

"I saw Kaworu today . . . he came into the bar today."

Ryozo's eyes widened a little bit and thought on this for a moment.

"I bet that was awkward," Ryozo said with a raised eyebrow.

"It was. For me anyway, he didn't seem the slightest bit affected."

"Well, how long has it been? 7 months? You can't expect everyone to dwell on things they way you do," Ryozo tucked his legs under his body and turned to see Shinji better.

Shinji was quiet.

"I just want him to miss me," Shinji said sheepishly.

"I bet he does," Ryozo smiled and patted his shoulder reassuringly.

"Ryozo?" Shinji's voice was quiet, scared.

"Hm?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

Ryozo was a bit taken back, it had been ages since that had happened, he was a little surprised that Shinji was bringing it back up.

"Lots of reasons I guess. I do care about you, you were just . . . hurting so badly that it was the only thing I could think to do," Ryozo tried to explain his actions.

"Would you ever want to date me?" Shinji was barely audible.

A warm smile crept over Ryozo's face.

"No."

Shinji looked as though he had been struck.

"I told you then. You won't ever be able to give your heart to me. And we're best friends, brothers. What happened that night, happened. I don't regret it for a second, but I learned then that you and I just wouldn't work. And I know you think about Kaworu all the time, I don't want to be involved with that. None of my business," Ryozo said.

"I did give him my phone number," Shinji said, returning the conversation back to the orginal topic.

"That's impressive. Maybe you'll get out of this apartment and do something with yourself, rather than sit around here, moping, dreaming of what could have been."

"How's that any different than what you do every day," a playful grin on Shinji's face.

"I don't mope, that's what's different," Ryozo laughed.

"I am sick of hurting. You should have seen him Ryozo, he as so . . . carefree. He looked really happy."

"I know you are kid. I know," Ryozo squeezed his shoulder.

Shinji looked at him gratefully, then flipped on the television, losing himself in his thoughts.


	15. Because of You

Kaworu had convinced himself that he was over the whole Shinji situation. Hell, he had hardly even thought of the other man in over seven months. . . . well, that wasn't entirely true, maybe he had thought of him a litte. . . . or a lot. The truth was, thoughts of Shinji always lingered in the back of his mind. Kaworu loved him, was in love with him, and no declaration of independence was going to change this, despite his best efforts otherwise. The mind can try and forget, but the heart is trickier to deceive.

The scrap of paper that contained Shinji's number had damn near been worn to ripping. Since Kaworu had stuck it in his back pocket, he was regularly fingering the already thin piece of paper. This was his olive branch. Shinji, in his own way, acknowledged that he had screwed up and now this one slip of paper was his attempt to apologize, or at least try again.

Kaworu pulled his phone out and punched in the digits and stared at them, blinking at him, waiting for him to press the "send" button, and just call him.

When he first arrived on Earth again, he wanted to do this right, take his time geting back together with Shinji. But things has been rushed. Shinji in many ways was still the fourteen year old boy that he had been when Kaworu had first met him. He needed to be eased into relationships, both friendship and otherwise and that wasn't what had happened. Something deeper had brought them together that night, but in the harsh light of morning, Shinji had retreated. Kaworu should have known better.

His thumb tapped the "send" button before Kaworu could stop him self, and he instinctively pressed his ear to the phone and listened to the ringing.

He toyed with a piece of his hair nervously when Shinji didn't pick up. He chewed his lip and held his breath, waiting for Shinji to pick up.

"Hello?" The voice came suddenly and Kaworu was silent for a minute, not reacting as quickly as he should have.

"Hello?!" The voice came again, more irritated this time.

"Shinji?" Kaworu finally said.

"Yup, who is this?"

"It's Kaworu."

There was silence on the line for the minute,

"Hey, it's good to hear from you. I really didn't expect you to call," Shinji said, the surpise evident in his voice.

"Yeah . . .um. . . how are you doing?" Kaworu began pacing around his apartment, absently playing with whatever he could get his hands on.

"I'm doing good, just got off of work. Not a whole lot going on," Shinji laid back on his bed, having got up to get the phone. "You?"

"Um, not bad. I'm off today."

"Oh good."

Silence.

"Anything I can do for you, Kaworu?" Shinji asked, desperately trying to stop his voice from shaking.

"I guess I'd like to see you again, ya know. . . clear the air?"

"I'd like that," was all Shinji could say.

"Let me take you out to dinner tonight," Kaworu offered.

Shinji nodded, then remembered he needed to answer verbally.

"Okay."

They agreed to meet later that night.

Kaworu was caught between smiling and crying. This was what he had wanted, wasn't it? The only reason he was on Earth at all was because of the man he had just spoken to. And Shinji was the one to offer the olive branch, Kaworu could only imagine how much effort that had taken on Shinji's part.

He set the phone back on the counter gently. There would be no rushing into things this time. His heart couldn't handle the set back, it may very well destroy him. Kaworu had worked hard in the past few months to gain confidence and a life without Shinji involved. He would not allow this to be shattered.

He turned and caught him self in the mirror. He pushed his hands through his hair, causing it to stand up. He grinned and layed his hair back down and nodded, making a pact with himself: Shinji would not hurt him this time, because Kaworu wouldn't allow it.

With that, he walked into the bathroom to shower and get ready for his date later that evening.

Ryozo walked into the apartment with an armful of bags. He raised an eyebrow when he noticed his roommate staring at his cell phone.

"Does it do a dance for ya these days?" Ryozo asked, smirking.

Shinji was snapped out of his daze and he laughed.

"Oh, no. At least not yet," Shinji put his phone down and grabbed some of the bags from Ryozo's hands.

They began putting their grocciers away, a practiced dance around the kitchen, bodies brushing naturally as they maneuvered around each other.

"You're quiet today," Ryozo said as he placed the milk into the fridge, as Shinji was stretching to put instant ramen in the shelf behind Ryozo.

Shinji just shrugged. 'I'm just thinking. . . I got some good news."

"Oh yeah? Lay it one me," Ryozo turned, leaning against the now closed fridge, facing Shinji.

"Kaworu called me," Shinji likewise turned to look at Ryozo.

"Wow! Woah, I mean, that's awesome!" Ryozo was a bit surprised that the other man had called Shinji back.

"Yeah, we're going out later tonight," Shinji explained.

Ryozo grinned and patted Shinji on the shoulder, "Maybe things are looking up, yeah?"

"Maybe so," Shinji just gave him a small smile and reached back into a bag.

Ryozo didn't press any further details. They would come when Shinji was ready. He just smiled and nodded to himself, it was about time things started to look up for Shinji, and maybe, his roommate wouldn't screw it all up this time.

A few hours later, Shinji was adjusting his collar in the mirror and tugging nervously at his hair. He posed a few times in the mirror, smiling a hundred different ways, trying to decide which made him look most handsome.

He turned his chin a little bit and lifted it, grinning cockily . . . that look didn't work. He tilted his chin down a little and smiled sheepishly. . . no, that was horrible as well. He ruffled his hair, trying to make it look slightly post-coital. . . now that wasn't too bad. He gave a sultry smile to the mirror, lowering his eyelids just slightly, to see what it looked like . . . but he just looked ridiculous . . .

A wet towel thrown at his head caused him jump, disrupting his pruning.

"Oh give it a rest will ya!" Ryozo had been silently standing in Shinji's door way for a few minutes. He had just gotten out of the shower and caught Shinji making faces at the mirror, and had paused to assess the situation.

"Oi! What are you doing!?" Shinji's voice was a little breathless, showing his surprise.

"You look fine as your self, don't try to put a mask on," Ryozo smiled at him.

"I wasn't planning on it, I was just . . . checking a few things out," Shinji looked down, rubbing his head with his hand.

"Ha! You look like a girl going on her first date. Relax dude, just . . .enjoy it," Ryozo said.

Shinji bent down to pick up the towel.

"Please tell me this was the one on your head," Shinji held the offending item in his hand.

Ryozo gave a cheeky grin.

"Heh," was all he said before he turned around and walked to his own room, his bare ass no longer hidden behind the cloak of the towel.

"Oh you're gross," Shinji scrunched his nose up at the towel and tossed it into his own laundry basket.

"Get lost!" Ryozo poked his head out and shouted. "Don't you have a date or something!"

With that, Shinji gave a final glance towards the mirror, tweaked his collar and headed out the door without any further ado.


End file.
